The Haute Single Mama

New Year's Resolutions

2011-12-31T11:28:00.002-07:00

I'm not a huge fan of New Years Resolutions. I love the idea of a fresh start, but for me January 1st isn't that. My fresh start tends to feel more like August, when the new school year starts.

Regardless, in 2009 I wrote this post detailing my goals for 2010 and the next decade {which obv includes 2011!} I was reading through it and I'm really, really proud of how far I've come. You can read the post if you want to know what all of my goals were, but I'm going to reiterate the ones I've accomplished and the ones I'm resetting for this year.

In 2010, I wanted to lose weight. What I actually did? Was regain all the weight I had lost on the "Divorce Diet." I was stressing out about school, so what did I do when I studied? Ate. And ate. And ate. Mindlessly. So that was a total bummer. I am happy to say that in 2011, I have re-lost all of that weight and am still working on losing more. So yay! A year late, but I'm doing it. I feel fabulous.
I wanted to get good grades. So I could get into nursing school. Done and done. As above, it obviously came at the sacrifice of my waistline but you know. It was worth it.
Enjoy E. I totally was glad that I took the time the summer of 2010 to just be a mommy. It was great.
Get divorced and enjoy being single. My divorce ended up being final this year, in 2011, so that didn't happen in 2010. But? I have been single since March and I'm just now starting to date, so I think I had awhile to adjust to being single and enjoy just worrying about myself. Mission accomplished.

The goals I set for the next DECADE seemed so ambitious at the time and I'm surprised to have finished a couple of them!

Graduate. I obviously have not done this yet but I am well on my way. Two more semesters to go and I'm an RN. I've totally got this and it WILL happen this decade. In fact, it will happen by the time I write this post next year.
Move out of my mom's house. Done and done. I am so grateful that she let me stay there for as long as she did but I love having my own place. Love love love. I'm so grateful that I can afford to do it. It's nothing fancy but I'm in love with it.
Take care of me. I can only say I halfway accomplished this one. I did take care of me, but I was pretty lost in single motherhood and nursing school. I have lost some of the weight I wanted to lose, but I'd like to make more time for "me" time.

That was it. Those were all my goals for the entire DECADE. Aiming low, much?! I have so much more self confidence in myself this year it's astounding. I have accomplished so much. I haven't worked out my new resolutions for this year yet, but I'm going to figure them out and a post will follow. I've missed blogging so much! I hope you guys still enjoy reading. Xoxo!

I hope each and every one of you have had as blessed a 2011 as I have and that 2012 will be even more so!

Year in Review - 2011

2011-12-31T11:04:00.000-07:00

Happy New Year!

I haven't been around for awhile :( Blogging has kind of gone by the wayside in light of... well... nursing school.

But I was thinking about the post I wrote on New Year's in 2009. It was especially cool because it covered a whole decade, but this year was pretty exciting so I thought I might use that format to let you guys know just what an awesome year I had in 2011.

So here it is: 2011 in bullet points.

Started getting child support in February. Yay! {We separated in Oct 2009. That's how long it took. CRAZY.}
Divorce was final in March - I was a single woman again!
In March I also applied for the super competitive nursing program. Eeep! I was so nervous!
I found out I had been accepted into the nursing program on my first application cycle in May. Squee! All my hard work for the previous two years doing prerequisites had payed off.
June, July, and the first half of August were lazy and wonderful. I took the summer off of school and just hung out with E for the first time since he was 5 months old. We did swimming lessons and spent a lot of time in one of those little plastic kiddie pools in our backyard.
Nursing school started in August. We got iPod Touches at orientation and I met all of my amazing classmates. They are now my BFFs and I love them to death. I will be super sad not to see all those amazing faces every day once nursing school is actually over.
In October, I moved out of my mom's house after having lived there for two years. I am so appreciative of everything she did for me, but goodness is it nice to have our own space. I rent a tiny little one bedroom casita/mother in law apartment. It's small but perfect for just me and E.
During clinicals in November I met a boy. A seemingly good one, which I no longer even believed existed. I'm still testing him but so far he's passed, and has been very patient with my scrutiny.
December marked the end of the first semester of nursing school. I am officially 1/3 of a nurse, and I'm freaking excited about that. Two more semesters to go and I will be completely capable of supporting myself and E - not grandly, but comfortably.
Tonight I have New Year's date. E is staying the night at my mom's so I can stay out late and not have to worry about picking him up at like one in the morning. I'm super excited. This is the same boy I met in November... I really like him. There may be pictures and a relationship status update coming up on Facebook in the next couple of days.... keep your eye out ;)

So yeah. After a pretty rough DECADE? 2011 treated me extremely, extremely well. I am so grateful and feel so blessed. I'll miss you, 2011, but I'm excited to see what 2012 brings!

What about you guys?! I'm so behind on everyone. Comment or link me to your posts with your year in review! Pretty please?

Blood Transfusion

2011-10-21T20:12:00.000-07:00

In the skills lab, we've been learning how to do blood transfusions. It's really very simple - for the most part, just like running a regular IV, just with a few extra bells and whistles. And of course, a million more risks.

One of which is hyperkalemia. Your blood cells are just full of potassium, and when blood is transfused, some of those cells burst, releasing way too much potassium into the plasma.

Before B died, she received a blood transfusion. I have no idea when, or how much. She was hemorrhaging from her lungs. That's all I know. When we were finally allowed in the room and they told us that they had done everything and she still wasn't getting better, that was one of the things the neonatal nurse practitioner said.

Her potassium levels are so high... so high her heart will slow down, down, down until it stops.

Asystole.

We let her die before that happened. When we made the decision, though, her heart rate was already in the 60s. The alarms kept going off. {120-160 beats per minute is what is normal, if you're not familiar.}

I don't know how high her potassium levels were. I wouldn't have understood it if I had known. I didn't understand anything, yet they put the decision of her life or death into my hands.

Every new thing we learn about that I was first exposed to that night takes me back. Makes me second guess whether I made the right decision. Because really, I made that decision with hardly any information. I had medical advice and that was all. No background knowledge to speak of.

Someday, I want to see her chart. I want to know what happened before they let us into that room.

But I'm afraid. Really, very afraid. I know too much now. I'll know if errors were made, or if I made the wrong decision. If I could have had them do something, anything, to save her life.

I looked up the number for medical records at that hospital just the other day. I haven't called it yet. I want to get her records sent to me - I don't know how long they keep them readily accessible {probably a long time, but still}. I'm nowhere near ready to read them, though.

Maybe when I graduate. Maybe when she would have turned 5. That's a nice round number.

When she would have turned 5, I'll know how to save a life. I'll be able to see more clearly that vague, vague line where enough is enough. I'll know for sure if her medical team - and if I - did everything, everything. I think we did, but I'm afraid. So afraid that we didn't.

ABE 2.0 Winner!

2011-08-23T22:58:00.000-07:00

The winner for the Eco Baby Prize Pack is Lindsay! She was comment #37! Yayayayay!!! Congratulations Lindsay!

Thank you so much to everyone for participating in ABE 2.0! It was so much fun!

Nursing School - Orientation!

2011-08-22T23:31:00.001-07:00

Today?

Awesome.

I couldn't sleep last night. The countdown clock I've had on my desktop ever since I applied to the nursing program (counting down until the latest date we would find out our admissions status, and then counting down until, well, today!) read: "FINISHED!" Just like that in all caps. SQUEE! I got E's diaper bag all ready (emphasis on the diaper - I took like 8 or 10 cloth diapers to daycare with him so I don't have to remember them every day), cleaned out my purse, opened up all my new pens and pencils, and was so overwhelmed by my books that I decided to just leave them all in the box. Finally at midnight I showered so I wouldn't have to in the morning (mornings and I don't really get along), looked over the student handbook again (we were told to read it before we came to orientation) and went to bed.

I managed to roll out of bed at a decent time (6:30, I think? Maybe 6:45) and thankfully my alarm didn't wake E up, so I got to do my hair and makeup alone! I honestly don't remember the last time that happened. So it was great. Everything went smoothly; I knew what I was going to wear, and E woke up at the perfect time - maybe a tad late for when I wanted to leave - but woke up happy and he was super excited once I told him we were going "bye-bye in the car."

I was really worried about how he'd transition to daycare - we have a new daycare provider this semester and I honestly wasn't too sure about her yet. I mean obviously I was sure enough that she was a good and qualified caregiver, or I wouldn't have let him go there at all, but I just didn't know whether I loved her or not. When we got to her house I finalized some paperwork with her; meanwhile, E got down and started running around like he owned the place. I was amazed. After about 30 minutes I told him that mommy was going bye-bye to school, and that he was going to stay and play. He started to cry, but the daycare provider told him to say bye-bye, which he did, and then immediately diverted his attention to their family dog. It worked like a charm, and she said the only other time he cried was when she took the crayons away because it was lunch time! He had a really hard time transitioning to daycare last semester; it's amazing the difference 6 months can make at this age.

So I went off to orientation! It was great to be at the nursing building and not on the main campus - there are more parking spaces than cars, so no spending 20 minutes trolling for a good spot. I was amazed at how quickly I got parked and in the building. I was a little earlier than I had anticipated being, but it was fine. I sat in the front row because I'm cool like that, next to some super nice girls that I got along with well. Double yay!

We did boring things - went over paperwork and other things that I assume most of us already knew since the information was readily available on the website. But then the bombshell came, out of nowhere.... we were each getting an iPod Touch!!! What?!?!?!?!

Turns out that this is the first semester they're trying to integrate technology into the program, so they're testing it on us. I don't mind... except that I just bought one. I wish I would have known, but I'm still totally psyched that their use will be not only tolerated but required in classes and clinicals. YAY! The one they're providing is only an 8 gigabyte - the one I bought is a 32 - so I'm having a hard time deciding what to do. I *have* to use the one they provided for clinicals - they took our serial numbers and stuff. So selling the 8 gig and keeping the 32 isn't an option. I can return the 32, but *sigh* all that space! Or I can keep both, but how selfish and excessive is that?! Sigh. I knew I had a bad feeling about buying one for a reason!

Anyway, they gave us all our iPods, and then we had our pictures taken for our program IDs that will get us in to clinicals and stuff. My hair had seriously wilted by this point so I'm kind of afraid to see that picture. Oh well.

And that was it! I picked up E and he had been having a blast at daycare. He was happy to see me but wanted to stay and keep playing ;) I can't explain to you how happy that made me; there's so much guilt associated with taking your child to daycare (at least for me) and it makes my heart sing to know that he likes it. That I'm not a bad mom for taking him there. That he enjoys the social interaction and change of scenery and doesn't spend the whole time worrying because I'm not there.

I have my first "real" class tomorrow morning at 9 am! I started the reading (90 pages) for the first lab we have this week and got about 2/3 of the way done with it. I'll finish it and start the reading for Lab #2 tomorrow night. Eeeek! So much to do already and we haven't even been to a class!

On that note... I'm going to bed. I got out of the shower right before I sat down to write this post, and I think my hair is dry enough to not soak the pillow :)

A Blogtastic Extravaganza 2.0 - Eco Baby!

2011-08-16T21:24:00.008-07:00

I didn't participate in A Blogtastic Extravaganza last year but I had so much fun entering all the giveaways that I really wanted to be a part of it this year! I was so happy to be one of the blogs chosen to participate!

I have a great prize package full of my favorite products that have helped me become more eco friendly and save money at the same time!

The winner of my ABE giveaway will receive:

One 2-pack of Tiny Bites Food Shears
2 "Regular" style Bamboobies reusable nursing pads
One 45/90 Bag of Rockin' Green Soap
One JoeyBunz Insert
One Pooter's Organic One Size Pocket Diaper
$20 Gift Card to ThanksMama
$20 Gift Card to SweetBottoms Baby Boutique

YAY! That's a lot of eco friendly, money saving goodness right there.

Mandatory Entry:

Follow my blog via GFC (sidebar!) (+1)

Additional Entries:

Follow me on Twitter (+1)

Tweet about this giveaway (including link!) and leave permalink to tweet (+1, up to 3x/day at least one hour between tweets.) Suggested tweet: "Going green and saving green - Enter to #win products to do both from @HauteSingleMama during #ABE2! #clothdiapers http://bit.ly/qUYHoO "

"Like" on Facebook:

Me! Haute Single Mama

Thanks Mama Cloth Diapers

SweetBottoms Baby Boutique

+1 entry for each sponsor that you "like"!

I'm doing this the old fashioned way, so please leave a comment on this post for each entry you complete (and please send me an invite to Rafflecopter if you have one. Seriously.) US only, please. Good luck and have fun entering all the other ABE giveaways!!!

*Please be sure to either have your email visible from your Blogger profile or leave me your email or Twitter name in your comment so I can find you if you win! Please be especially mindful of this now that I opened it up to anonymous comments :) Leave me some way to contact you!

Tiny Bites Food Shears - Review

2011-08-15T00:15:00.017-07:00

When I first found this product, I was intrigued. Food cutting scissors?! I'm not a chef, so I don't have all the bells and whistles in my kitchen. But this was something I totally had to try.

From the day I opened the package, I found a MILLION uses for those babies. The most used? Cutting up grapes. I always worry about E choking on grapes, but it's nearly impossible to cut them into decent sizes using a fork and knife! The Tiny Bites Food Shears made it take no time at all - snip, snip, snip, and DONE.

I was super surprised at how sharp they were. They cut up chicken and steak! I was amazed. It is so much easier than using a fork and knife to try to get those tiny toddler sized pieces.

The reason that these shears serve their purpose so well is that they were invented by parents of toddlers!! Imagine that! Ed and Anila designed the shears with their own toddler meal adventures in mind, and blessed the rest of us in the process. These have honestly been a lifesaver for me. Look how much more safe and toddler friendly meals become with the Tiny Bites Food Shears!

Photo from www.TinyBites.com

Don't worry if you didn't win your Tiny Bites during ABE; they're available at a retailer near you!

BlogHer 2011

2011-08-12T00:04:00.000-07:00

I totally went.

I didn't talk about it much here because - well, let's face it, I just haven't really been blogging - and also because I was always just teetering on the edge of being able to save enough money to do it.

But I did it! I saved, I went, and I'm back. It was so much fun that it has taken me until now - 4 days after I got home! - to post about it. I've literally been recovering all this time.

My BFF and BlogHer roomie Katie summed it up extremely well - to be honest, a lot of it is a complete and total blur. I was so nervous/excited that I only slept for 2.5 hours the night/morning before I left, and I had an eight hour drive to San Diego. I made it though, and from then on it was nonstop fun. Staying up late, getting up... well, early for how late we had stayed up the night before... and party hopping. We skipped too many sessions and probably tried to go to too many parties. But it was amazing.

I loved meeting some of the people I talk with daily in "real life."

I loved the parties. Rooftop parties in the city. Who gets to do that?!

I loved the swag. So much swag. Too much swag.

I'll post more on those topics later - with pictures, I promise - but for now? I'm totally saving my pennies for BlogHer '12 in NYC!

ABE 2.0 Sponsor Spotlight - BabyKicks

2011-08-06T23:03:00.000-07:00

I just recently got to try a BabyKicks diaper, and I have to say... I'm hooked.

The fit is a little bit different than diapers I'm used to.. it snaps differently, so it took me a little bit of time to get used to it. Once I figured out how to get it to fit right, I loved it!

The best thing about them in my opinion? is the insert.

Look how trim that is!

They are a hemp/cotton blend and they are SO trim, yet so absorbent. {Side note: did you know that hemp has antimicrobial properties? Me neither! Amazing, right?!} My favorite use for them is under clothes that just look a little funny with the fluffier butt - you can't even tell there's cloth under there. I love a fluffy butt just as much as the next cloth diapering mom, but sometimes it makes E's pants look too tapered and just kind of... weird. Anyway. They make super great doublers for night time too - they add hardly any bulk so it's not like you've got this HUGE double stuffed diaper.

At $5 a pop they're seriously a steal. Since they're made of natural fibers, you can even use them right against baby's skin with a cover - I haven't tried that yet, but I really want to! That would be sooo much trimmer than prefolds! {Plus, the one con to the BabyKicks diaper - and seriously it is the only one - is that the pocket is a little narrow so it's hard to make the hemp insert lay flat when you're stuffing it. I saw a post on the BabyKicks Facebook page addressing this - they say you can just plop it on top of the diaper and use it that way! I haven't tried it that way yet but I plan on it!}

I really heart this company and their products - I will definitely be adding some JoeyBunz to my stash!

BabyKicks sponsored a portion of my giveaway package for ABE 2.0. I was not sent any product to try; my experiences were based on a diaper I already had. I was not compensated in any way for this post; all opinions are honest and my own.

Dreaming of a Vacay...

2011-07-11T18:27:00.001-07:00

It's still summer {although I've gotten a frightening number of emails telling me to check out the fall fashions and look at new laptop bags and backpacks... shudder! It's only July!} and E and I are still just chilling at home. We've had a busy past couple of weeks - swimming lessons and lots of friends coming into town to visit.

As much fun as we're having right here, I can't help but think how I wish I could take him on a vacation this year! E has NEVER been to the beach {and admittedly, I haven't been nearly as often as a normal person...}. After getting comfortable in the water at swimming lessons, I know he'd just love it. One place I would absolutely love to take him is Virginia Beach, VA.

E was actually born in VA, and my mom lived there {in Virginia Beach! How lucky is that?!} when she was a young girl, so those are both huge reasons why I'd love to take him back.

Besides personal ties, there are soooo many fun things to do there....

Obviously, the beach. Laying out, letting E dig in the sand with a bucket and pail, seeing him dip his little toes into the water... *sigh* There are tons of beautiful beach areas there {duh! Virginia Beach!} and it would be a great place for him to have his first beachtastic experience.

There's a place there called Grommet Island. I would absolutely LOVE to take E there! It's like a splash pad park.. on.the.beach. How perfect would that be?! We have a splash pad here... but come on. It's in the middle of the desert. It would be way, way better on the beach. Plus? It's completely handicapped accessible. It would be a great place to hang out with some of our differently-abled friends so everyone could participate!

And speaking of the beach? On the beach... there is a boardwalk. The Virginia Beach Boardwalk. While I'm sure E would love it... this one is more for me. The closest I've ever come to being on a boardwalk? Is at Disney's California Adventure park. Seriously. I have never been on a real beach boardwalk. I imagine it would be kind of like a fair... lots of good tasting/bad-for-you food...{like fried Oreos... YUM}.. games... and even better than the fair... the beach.

I love, love, love seafood, but I rarely ever get to eat it - for one reason, it's super expensive here... and when you can get it, it's well... not all that fresh. In Virginia Beach, there are tons of great seafood restaurants. My personal style would be to go try all the really local places... things you can only get there... but I'm sure there are a lot of chains as well, in case you're in a more stick-to-what-you-like mood. Or if you have picky toddlers and want to stick to what they know. Not that I would know about that or anything ;)

E just loves animals - he's learning a lot of animal noises right now, and even pretends to be a kitty sometimes (I don't know why a kitty... since we have a dog...), so of course we couldn't miss the Virginia Aquarium and Marine Science Center. They of course have lots of water animals, but they also have birds and reptiles. I have a feeling E would loooove the Komodo Dragons.

In Virginia Beach they have a ton, and I mean a ton, of family activities. The one that caught my eye? The Family Great Adventures Series.

"Throughout the summer, families can take part in an interactive adventure along the oceanfront to unravel a mystery. Each adventure ends with a family-friendly movie shown on a giant inflatable screen on the beach! "

How fun is that?! A MOVIE. ON THE BEACH.

There are tons of different choices when it comes to where to stay in Virginia Beach. You can always camp... but I'm not a big camper. I might feel differently on the beach instead of in the woods, but still... if there's no plug for my flatiron, I'll be staying somewhere else thankyouverymuch. I'd much prefer a resort and spa, especially a small one exclusive to the Virginia Beach area. No chains for this lady {of course, on this imaginary vacation, money is no object!} I know lots of people rent vacation homes, and I think that would definitely be the way to go if you were going with a group. But just for myself and E? Housekeeping and spa services are definitely required.

I'm kind of a history nerd, so I would be super interested in taking one of the historical tours. I'm not sure that it's something I'd do while I had a toddler, but I think when E gets older it would be awesome to see all the military and religious history that is in Virginia Beach!

It won't be happening this year, but Virginia Beach is definitely on my vacation wishlist for summers to come. In 2001, Virginia Beach was ranked #2 in Child Magazine's Top 10 Cities for Families - and after doing a little research, I can see why! There's so much to do there for adults and children... lots of fun with lots of educational value hidden in between :). I can't wait to go... someday!

I wrote this blog post while participating in the SocialMoms and Virginia Beach Tourism blogging program, for a gift card worth $40. For more information on how you can participate, click here.

This Is My Baby Girl

2011-06-24T21:26:00.002-07:00

This is the first time I saw my little girl.

This was the first time I held her hand.

This was when we were still fighting to save her life. She was drowning in her own blood and in so much pain even high doses of morphine would not stop her thrashing. She had to be restrained so she wouldn't cause more damage to herself.

This is when the fight had ended. Minutes after this, her breathing tube was taken out and she passed away in my arms.

This is her in her burial gown, lying in her teeny tiny coffin. She's wearing the gown I was blessed in as a baby. It was huge on her, as I was 7 lbs and she was 1 lb 15 oz.

This was one of the last times I got to hold her. I had to put her in her coffin and watch as the top was sealed shut forever.

This November she would be turning 3. I would be getting ready to enroll her in ballet lessons this fall, or maybe I would wait until spring depending on how she was doing developmentally. I would be buying cute girl clothes - she'd have an adorable swimming suit and we'd be playing in the water all summer long.

Instead, I'm growing frustrated at the lack of Independence Day decorations there are at my local dollar store. So I can decorate her grave. You know, this place:

Because that's all I can do for her now.

So excuse me that I'm not jumping for joy that my sister is having a baby girl. The "first girl grandchild." This baby won't be the first. Everyone will get to buy her frilly things, and she will get to take ballet, and do all the things that I will never do with my baby girl. But she will never be the first female grandchild, because my baby girl was first.

Excuse me that I take offense when my sister hopes that, since her due date is in November, that she will have the baby on 11/11/11. It's a "cool date." She doesn't remember, but B would have been 3 years old that exact day. That's my daughter's birthday. Furthermore, 11/11/07 was my wedding date. B was born on our first anniversary, and the man I married just had a baby with another woman. When he has nothing to do with our son. Who I stayed in the hospital on bed rest for six weeks to get here, sat every day in the NICU with him for another 45 days praying every minute that he wouldn't die like his sister, and pumped breast milk for the first twenty months of his life, because I just knew if I didn't and he died, it would be my fault. He simply abandoned us after all of that and is having a wonderful life with a woman who can clearly produce full term babies. I call mercy. I am inferior, and I know it.

Excuse the fact that all of this information is overwhelming to me. Excuse me for being heartbroken over everything I have lost. Excuse me for letting that heartbreak be exacerbated by everyone else's joy.

Whine Party

2011-06-22T20:47:00.001-07:00

Okay. I need to vent, it's too long for 140 characters, and everyone who I usually whine to has already heard this and I still feel the need to rehash it.

So all you lucky people get to listen to me whine. YAY!

Today M's sister in law sent me a private Facebook message to see how I was doing. Nice, right?! So I told her that I was doing AWESOME, that I got into the nursing program, that E is doing well, I have the summer off... life is pretty awesome all things considered.

So she writes back and basically "Yay! I'm so proud of you! In other news, M is back with C [the girl he had an affair with when he was with the girl who he had an affair with when he was married to me... did that make sense?!] and their baby boy was born last week. They're getting ready to move closer to his parents."

.........She always does this. I'm not sure why I ever email her back, because she always asks how I'm doing and then when I answer she drops some sort of huge bomb on me.

I knew C was pregnant, but C and M had broken up MONTHS ago. So I was like.. look! This means that my inability to carry a child to term was NOT the determining factor in me being such an unsatisfactory wife that M had to cheat on me multiple times. The fact that she will likely carry their baby to term does not guarantee that they will live happily ever after.

Apparently I was wrong.

So now, he has gotten to experience having a baby and taking him home from the hospital in a timely manner. An experience without apnea and bradycardia, NG tubes and IVs. Without worrying about brain bleeds or if the baby's PDA was still leaky. Without having to leave the baby night after night in NICU, falling asleep watching him on a webcam.

I will probably never get that.

So why did he get back with her, to take care of her baby? Why not me and mine?

I don't miss him. I don't want him back. She can have him. I am a better person now that he's out of my life.

That doesn't change the fact that I still feel inadequate. Like I wasn't enough. Like I will never be enough for someone else; that even if/when I do start dating, who will want me? I can't date someone who doesn't want kids - I have one! I can't date someone who wants many children - if I get one more live child I will be extremely blessed.

I also feel stuck. He's in a whole new phase of life; I'm the same. I'm still struggling with solo parenting day after day. I am still in school and I have a whole year and a half to go.. and even then I'll still be in school part time, although I'll be able to work so it won't be as bad. I'm still living with my mom, which is humiliating just in and of itself. I've been living here for a year and a half and I'm probably looking at another year and a half. That's three years. That's a long time.

Loser comes to mind. About me. And him. But mostly me.

And this is sort of unrelated, but it's part of the whine party. My sister is having an anatomy ultrasound for her pregnancy on Friday. She's asked me to babysit her three boys while she goes. Which is fine.. but B was the only granddaughter. All the other grandkids are boys. So if the anatomy ultrasound reveals she's pregnant with a girl, she's going to come back all happy and squeely. To make it worse, she's due in November and keeps telling me she's hoping to have the baby on 11/11/11. Which, she never remembers, will be B's 3rd birthday. Should have been B's 3rd birthday. Because, you know, my baby girl is dead. People forget that sometimes.

I'll feel better in the morning, I know I will. I just needed to get that out. I should get a journal or something and not burden all of you kind people with my whine fests, but thank you for being my listening ear <3

Sunny days, party nights...

2011-06-15T21:49:00.000-07:00

...hot guys, water fights, pretty hair, tanned skin, schools out, summer's in!

Well... not exactly ;)

Sunny days, for sure. It was 99 degrees today and the temp is just going to go up, up, up!

Not too much partying going on at night here, unless you count the once a week mom's fro-yo night. That's sort of a party. And of course the nightly "baby's asleep! SILENCE!" party. Wild times.

Hot guys... well, I did get asked out by a WalMart cashier. So that was pretty cool. Except he forgot to ask for my number, and I'm sort of disinclined to ever date anyone in the retail occupation again {M worked retail. Yep. Still bitter!}. And I did go to a movie with a different guy, although it wasn't a date. It was a step in the right maybe-someday-I-won't-hate-men direction for me.

Water fights... oh yes. E has a little pool and a water table in the back yard, and he loves splashing me. I of course splash him back.

Pretty hair... meh. I'm growing it out so all my layers are blah. I'm going to get it styled just before school starts again. Maybe get bangs. I'm hoping for some natural highlights from spending time in the sun.. but I just keep finding grey hairs. Those are sort of highlights, I guess...

Tanned skin.. yes! I'm working on my tan while E plays in aforementioned pool. I spread out my beach towel on the grass, put my sunglasses on and read. I'm happy to say I'm a shade or two darker than ghostly white already!

School is out, summer is in, and I'm loving it. I'm having so much fun being a SAHM, and I'm so excited that I still have two more months left! I'm sure by the time August 22nd rolls around I'll be more than ready for school to start - this SAHM gig is fun, sure, but way hard at times! For now though, I'm spending lots of time outside, reading fluffy fiction, and chowing down on the watermelon and green smoothies. It's soooo great! Way better than last summer when I was working my butt off in Anatomy!

Secret Life of the American Teenager: Season 3 Episode 26 - ...Or Not to Be

2011-06-07T20:53:00.001-07:00

All I can say is wow.

Wow.

I just caught up on this episode today - I always watch them online at abcfamily.com, and they don't become available until the following day - and I am totally speechless.

Well, not speechless, because here I am blogging about it.

**Warning: Spoilers**

I legitimately cried during this episode. I could see where it was going from pretty early on (not because I'm psychic or anything ;) You know how you can just tell when something's coming?! I just knew) but I was still in denial - they had to be making it seem worse than what it was... right?! But if it was going where I thought it might be going, I really didn't think I'd cry. There was a time when merely the suggestion of a dead baby resulted in automatic waterworks.. but not really anymore. I save my tears for special occasions now. So I was totally, totally shocked. Secret Life is so often cheesy and unrealistic, but to me the acting in this episode was so raw and real, I couldn't help but cry.

I totally saw myself in Adrian (and Ben a little bit, too). Especially in the scene where Tom calls Adrienne and she says she can't talk - and the look on her face, and the sound of her voice is just dead and emotionless. You're so tired, you're so numb, you just go on autopilot:

Screenshot taken from the abcfamily.com Total Access Player.

It was so weird but just watching her... just relived the exhaustion, the disbelief, the feeling that this cannot possibly be real.

And then an instant later, she hangs up her phone, looks up at Ben, and her eyes immediately start to well up with tears:

Screenshot taken from the abcfamily.com Total Access Player

and she bursts out sobbing. All. Too. Familiar. Feeling like you have no tears left and then suddenly it hits you again.

Screenshot taken from the abcfamily.com Total Access Player

You can totally just feel her pain. She's so heartbroken. Then Ben comforts her - and I remember that feeling too. Sobbing those deep sobs that wrack your entire body, and having someone comfort you. You feel their warmth but you still feel so alone, and so cold. I remember feeling so cold all the time after B died. Literally and figuratively.

I just can't say enough how great I thought the acting was in this episode. Mainly Ben and Adrian, but everyone else, too. How helpless Ben and Adrian's parents felt - I remember seeing those exact looks on the faces of my family and friends. People try to be there for you and they don't know how - they just look bewildered and pitying.

There were a few things about the episode that I was disappointed about:

I wish they would have focused more on the stillbirth.. the fact that Adrian still had to go through the birthing process even when she knew her baby was dead. I can't even imagine having to do that, and that is (in my opinion) a huge differentiating factor between a stillbirth and an earlier miscarriage or a neonatal loss.

Along the same lines, I wish they would have shown the baby. I know I'm dark and twisty like that, and probably 99% of people would have been horrified if they had. It could have just looked like a sleeping baby... nothing gory, of course... but it would have been nice to see Ben and Adrian getting to hold her. Even if they just showed a swaddled blanket and not shown the baby per se. And seriously? They didn't call anyone until it was all over and done with?! Really?! It would have been awesome for everyone to have been rallying around Adrian when she had to give birth. I see the statement that they're making - that Ben and Adrian clung to each other through it - but it seems unrealistic to me. Most people would call the people they're close to as soon as they found out something was wrong.

All in all though, I thought this was an amazing episode. I don't usually blog about television shows but this was a must. I can't wait to see next week's episode, and how Ben and Adrian deal with the grief of being babylost :(

A Day at the Dog Park - #DogCollarCharms

2011-06-05T21:26:00.004-07:00

Making our customized dog collar charm inspired me to go to a local park I had heard of - it's the only dog park in town, and I'd never been there. I didn't bring Jack with us this time, since I wasn't sure how it would be. I definitely plan to go back though!

It looks like it was empty but it really wasn't. There is a section for big dogs and a section for little and/or old dogs, and there were some people in each section with their dogs.

I had brought the Dog Collar Charms that I made with me, and gave the two "My Dog is Cuter Than Your Dog" charms away - one for the big dog and one for the little dog!

The owners were all very impressed with the photo charm, and were thrilled that they got to keep a charm for themselves! They declined having their photo taken, and didn't want to put the charms on the dogs right away - bummer! I was hoping for some good pictures, but oh well! They were very interested to know where they could get them, and I gave them all the information - I think there might be some Father's Day gifts ordered from DogCollarCharms.com!

This is the envelope the charms came in! They were delivered so fast and I just loved the sticker on the back - such a personal touch! The customer service is just great!

I'm so glad I discovered this park - I'm for sure going to take E and Jack there. I know they'll both love the socialization with other dogs, and the owners can all admire Jack's personalized dog charm!

View my #DogCollarCharms ThisMoment story here!

Disclosure: This shop has been compensated as part of a social shopper insights study for Collective Bias. All opinions are honest and my own!

E and Jack - #DogCollarCharms

2011-06-05T20:47:00.001-07:00

E and our {my parents'} dog have an interesting relationship... definitely of the love/hate variety. E just LOVES Jack - and we've taught him all about being soft to animals, and not pulling on his feet or tail, so he's usually pretty good. Jack basically loves E when he has food - he follows E around and cleans up the inevitable trail of snacks E leaves behind everywhere he goes.

When there isn't food involved... well, that's where the "hate" part comes in. Jack just tolerates all of E's attention, often growling a little bit under his breath. He's sort of old and is used to being the baby of the house, so he's a little jealous of E! That being said, he has never bitten or even snapped at E.. just that grouchy growl.

We love Jack all the same, and I was so excited to make a personalized dog charm for him! It took me forever to decide what picture to use. I *almost* used one of E hugging Jack, but it was sort of a far away picture and I wasn't sure how good it would look. I chose a picture of me and E instead, and it turned out so cute!

Adorable, right?! I think it would make a really cute keychain too.. just saying!

Jack wasn't too thrilled about being a model, but he loved wearing the charm! It's the perfect size, too!

Blurry pic, but this basically sums up their relationship. E trying to love on him, Jack running away!

From the side... Own it!

The ordering process was so easy. It's just three steps -

Choose your picture and upload, position your picture, and choose your color! So simple!

We really love it, and I think that I'll be using DogCollarCharms.com often for dog charm gifts. My dad has two labs, and I think that dog collar charms with pictures of his grandkids on them would make a fabulous Father's Day gift!

Disclosure: This shop has been compensated as part of a social shopper insights study for Collective Bias. All opinions are honest and my own!

The Magical Weight Loss Breakfast

2011-06-02T14:37:00.000-07:00

So. We all know that I put back on all the weight I had lost during the divorce process thanks to using domperidone to continue breastfeeding. It was worth it, but I definitely felt fat and gross.

Now that I'm done, I'm finally shedding that weight! It's coming off more slowly than I put it on, of course... the law of the universe. Or dieting. Or whatever. But I've lost 15 lbs since I quit pumping on April 18th, and I often get the question, "What are you eating?!"

The answer, my friends, is oatmeal. I'm serious. For some reason, if I make it a habit to eat oatmeal every morning, I lose weight. Not super duper fast or anything, but I definitely notice that when I stop eating oatmeal I stop losing weight.

I'm not really sure why - I don't know if it's the fiber, or just the fact that I'm eating breakfast so I eat less throughout the day, or if it's the teaspoon of cinnamon (no sugar!) that I put in it.. it's rumored to help with stabilizing blood sugar and weight loss.

But who knows. The point is, I love eating oatmeal for breakfast, and it totally works for me.

I usually buy rolled oats, but I've been curious about steel cut oats for a long time. They're supposed to have a lower glycemic index and obviously, they're less processed. But I haven't wanted to go out of my way to the health food store to buy them, so I never have.

Until now! Today, I went to Wal Mart to get some more oatmeal and some things for dinner (pasta with chicken and basil pesto! Yum!) and THEY HAD QUAKER STEEL CUT OATS. I was totally excited and I totally bought them. I know they take longer to make than rolled oats, so I'll have to get some recipes and figure it all out or whatever. But I will, and I will let you know if they are good and if they still help me lose weight. They were more expensive than rolled oats - it's this bitty container that costs like a dollar more than the HUGE rolled oats container so we'll have to see if it's worth it.

I also saw some oatmeal packets that were labeled "Weight Control." I was very curious about these... I kind of rolled my eyes, to be honest... but from what I could glean from the label it looked like they added protein, which is SO awesome. I always worry that I'm not getting enough protein with eating just a bowl of oatmeal. It was flavored, so I thought there would be a ton of extra sugar but there really wasn't. I didn't buy any... mainly because I tend to dislike oatmeal that comes in packets, but I will definitely keep these in mind when school starts up again. It would be really easy to take a packet of oatmeal with me in the morning and make it in the student lounge between classes - the nursing lounge has a microwave!

It seems like there are a lot of new oatmeal products out now.. I was surprised at the variety. Maybe I just beeline for my stand-by regular rolled oats and don't take notice, but this time I did. There is definitely some oatmeal product for everyone! I, personally, really love regular old oatmeal for breakfast - all I put in mine is the cinnamon and it tastes amazing. You just can't do that with cold cereal - the ones that are good are always chock full of sugar, and that is the LAST thing my body needs!!!

This shop has been compensated as part of a social shopper insights study for Collective Bias. All opinions are honest and my own! I really truly do eat oatmeal almost every day and love it.

How Do You Cloth Diaper? Part I: The Diapers

2011-05-13T23:47:00.000-07:00

The great thing about cloth diapering is there are about a million ways to do it. This is part of what makes it so confusing when you're a newbie - you're getting different advice from everyone and you kind of start to think that everyone is crazy and nobody knows what's what. The thing is, something different is going to work for everyone, and you really just have to jump in and find what works for you and your baby.

We've been cloth diapering for awhile now, and while it was very intimidating at first, I think we've finally figured out what works for us.

The Diapers: As you can see, our stash is really varied. That's the best way to go in my opinion; I always have an option for all of my diapering needs!

The bulk of our stash consists of prefolds and covers - I initially bought these because they are the most inexpensive option (well, besides flats! I still haven't been brave enough to learn how to use those!) but I've ended up liking them a lot more than I anticipated. I generally use these when I have E all to myself; most other people who watch him aren't huge fans of cloth diapering and don't want to pull out the wet and potentially soiled insert to switch it for a new one, but I don't mind it at all. I almost never have leaks with my prefolds and covers, and often use them for overnights.

I have several different brands of pocket diapers - each brand has a feature that they're best at, and I haven't met a brand that I have no occasion for. Some I like better for nights, some I feel are super reliable for when we go out (and cute - that's important to me because I want people to think "What? A cloth diaper? CUTE!" not "What, a cloth diaper? Ick!") and some are trimmer and look better under clothes, but are better for shorter periods of time. It all just depends, so that's why I really love that I have a mix. I definitely would not change my wide variety even if I could afford to buy a whole new matching stash!

AIO (All In One) diapers are a minority in my stash, and in my humble opinion are a luxury item. I only have a couple of these, and while I don't feel that they're a necessity in a cloth diaper stash, they are quite convenient. They're my first choice to leave with babysitters, because there is nothing different about them than a disposable diaper besides the fact that they are washable! A velcro AIO diaper is very non-intimidating to people not familiar with cloth, and that helps a lot when you're trying to convince people that cloth diapering is not that hard. Or weird. Or crazy. But since caregivers aren't doing the washing, they're not really going to notice the difference between an AIO or a pocket. So they're cool and nice and convenient, but I certainly wouldn't die without them.

Fitteds are even rarer than AIOs in our house - when I first tried one I didn't "get" it. Most other diapers have a polyurethane lining (PUL) - basically, plastic - to keep it from leaking; fitteds do not. They are very trim, and come in a million adorable prints, but because of their lack of PUL they need a cover (same covers you would use with a prefold!). That made no sense to me - I know some people worry about the chemicals in the PUL, but I am not one of those, so fitteds just perplexed me (why have such a cute diaper just to cover it up? WHY?). However, a couple of months ago E got a pretty bad diaper rash and Katie told me to put him in a fitted overnight - since there is no "plastic" lining, it allows the air to circulate and would help the rash get better. GENIUS. It totally worked. And ever since then fitteds have totally clicked for me, and I wish I had more. As I type, E is in one for the night because again, he has a bit of a rash (I'm making it sound like he gets them a lot, but he really doesn't. He just happened to have one today!). If I add to my stash it will probably be more of these, and I would definitely say having a few of these is a necessity. That being said, I personally probably wouldn't build a stash of exclusively fitteds.

Now, of the above, probably two-thirds have snap closures and one-third have velcro. When I first started out, I preferred velcro - it's very similar to putting on a disposable diaper, it's fast so you can hurry up and do it before your squirmy toddler gets away, and there is less guesswork involved in getting the right fit. As E has gotten older, though, he's figured out how to get a velcro diaper off. That is bad, bad news. Remember the time I woke up and his diaper was off and he almost pooped in my bed?! Yeah. So my preference changed. To snaps. Which he still does not know how to remove. I'm thrilled about being able to let him run around outside in just a diaper this summer without having to worry about him going streaking. As a bonus, snaps tend to last longer than velcro, so if you're planning on using your diapers for multiple children it's a way better investment. Now, personal preference and investments aside, I think there is a place in every stash for both. Velcro is so much better for apprehensive caregivers. It's so similar to disposable diapering and it's so easy to get a leak free fit. Even now, I occasionally have to adjust E's snappage after I've already put the diaper on and sent him on his way, and for someone who isn't the primary caregiver and isn't used to cloth it can be really confusing. Refer to the above picture of the way my mom put on a snap diaper. Lol!

So those are the diapers that make up our stash. How about you? How do you cloth diaper?

What's up?!

2011-05-11T20:57:00.000-07:00

Whew!

Finals are over at last for this semester! YAY! I'm so relieved. I ended up doing well in my classes, so it was worth all the craziness.

I am now officially a SAHM for the summer! I am waiting to find out whether I got into the nursing program for Fall 2011; depending on whether I did or didn't, I may or may not be taking a couple of online classes over the summer. If I didn't, I'll take a math class to replace the one unfortunate "B" on my nursing application, but it will be online so there will still be no on campus time besides tests! If I did get accepted, I'm not going to do anything this summer but be a mom. Nursing school is tough so I'm sure that I'll be glad I took some time out before starting!

I've already noticed how much of a better mom I am when I'm not worrying about a million things I ought to be studying. I have so much more patience and I truly enjoy spending time with E. Not that I don't usually, but I'm normally really high strung and preoccupied. So this is awesome. I'm loving it, and I hope it lasts the whole summer whether I end up taking classes or not.

I'll keep you posted on whether or not I get into the program! I should be getting notified by the end of next week, but by May 31st at the very latest. Eeek! Keep your fingers crossed for me!

Earth Mama Angel Baby - C&C Wash

2011-05-02T09:08:00.002-07:00

I love Earth Mama Angel Baby Organics. I first became aware of the company when I heard of their baby loss comfort line, and I was immediately impressed. Their line of products is something totally unique and higher quality than I have found elsewhere.

I was so excited to try the Calm and Clean Hand to Toe Wash! Before I received it I had been using their Angel Baby Shampoo and Body Wash for E, and I love it. That being said, we usually do bath time at night and I've always heard that citrus smells (like the fabulous orange-vanilla of the Shampoo and Body Wash) were "energetic" for mornings. The Calm and Clean wash smells like calming lavender (and a hint of vanilla, too!), so it's perfect for those baths you're hoping will induce an early bedtime!

The thing I wondered when I first tried organic products was obviously, do they work as well as the products I'm used to? And with EMAB's products, the answer is definitely YES. The first night I used the Calm and Clean wash on E? He had gotten hold of a marker (not a permanent one, thank goodness - just a regular one) and decorated his arms and legs with dark, black streaks of marker. I thought I would have to scrub and scrub to get it off, but a little bit of the wash took it right off. I was shocked!

This is really a great product, and the smell is fantastic. I have been known to use it in lieu of my regular body wash in the shower!

Want it? One lucky reader will win a 1.67 oz bottle of Calm and Clean Hand to Toe Wash!

Mandatory Entry:

Follow my blog publicly via GFC

Extra Entries:

Follow Earth Mama Angel Baby on Twitter!
Sign up to receive Mama's Monthly Newsletter
Follow me on Twitter
Tweet this giveaway "#Win a bottle of Calm and Clean Hand to Toe Wash from @EarthMamaHQ and @HauteSingleMama! http://bit.ly/l9nHWR Ends 5/17 " (3x/day, at least one hour between tweets. Please leave permalink!)

Leave a comment for every entry you've completed, and have your email address or Twitter handle in the comment or visible on your Blogger profile so I can notify you if you win! Good luck!

I was sent a bottle of Calm and Clean Hand to Toe Body Wash to try. I was not given any other compensation for this post. All opinions are honest and my own!

Vintage Pizza Parties

2011-04-13T13:10:00.000-07:00

When I was growing up, my parents had "date night" every Friday night. I think they went out to dinner or something, I don't really know, but for us? It was PIZZA PARTY NIGHT!!

Sometimes we would order pizza, but most times we would make what we called "little pizzas" - they're those premade buttermilk biscuits that you buy in the refrigerated dough section at the store, with some sauce and whatever toppings we wanted to go on them. Pepperoni, onions, olives, pinapple, barbecue chicken pizza, or macaroni and cheese pizza - anything we could think up! It was fabulously fun when I was like, 8. (Actually I still make them every now and then - it's still pretty fun!)

And with those pizza parties we always got to have soda - usually Coke or Barq's root beer. Normally root beer though, because obviously my parents didn't want to return home to 4 kiddos hopped up on caffeine. Now they have caffeine-free Coke - that would have been the best of both worlds! We never, ever got to drink soda with meals (or anytime, really, unless we were going out to dinner or something) except on date night, so it was a big deal.

We'd make our little pizzas, hunker down with a glass of Coke or Barq's, and watch TGIF on channel 3? Or 4? I don't remember. But they played Boy Meets World and Sabrina the Teenage Witch. Lol! Does anyone else remember that? Just me? We really loved, loved, loved TGIF.

Those are some of the best memories I have with my siblings. Hanging out at home, being "responsible" enough to be left home alone for an hour or two, and enjoying some of our favorite foods and drinks that my mom was awesome enough to allow us to have in only in moderation.

Now, my parents still go out on Friday nights :) Even though I'm allowed to have soda whenever I want (I'm an adult after all, and I have a terrible awful addiction to diet soda), it always seems particularly festive on Friday night. I still make pizza for myself, my brother, and now Eli - and I even let Eli take a little sip of the soda. He just loves Barq's root beer - but he's only allowed to have it on Friday nights! TGIF is no longer on, but we watch other silly, family friendly programming, and it's just a fabulous way to wind up the week and start the weekend.

I wrote this blog post while participating in the SocialMoms and Coca-Cola® blogging program. If I am one of the first 100 blogs received by SocialsMoms, I will receive a $25 gift card. For more information on the program,click here.

Hanging Up the Horns

2011-04-11T08:00:00.001-07:00

I've decided.

I'm going to quit pumping - or "I'm going to hang up the horns (HUTH)" as they say in EP'er circles.

I feel fabulous that I've been able to pump for E as long as I have. 20 months! That's a long time. That's almost 2 years of my life pumping every.single.day. Half of high school. Woah.

I'm a little sad that I'm not going to make it to two years, but I just can't. I mean I technically could, but I need my body back for my own health and sanity. I was pregnant for almost 16 months straight (pregnant - early miscarriage; pregnant at next ovulation - lost B at 26 weeks; pregnant at 12 weeks postpartum for 29 weeks with E) and now I've been pumping for 20 months. That's exactly 3 years that my body has been a home, a food source, or recovering from childbirth. That's a long time.

I'm ramping up my domperidone dosage to try to add a little to my freezer stash before I quit - and to make it so it (the domperidone) is gone faster. I'll be done pumping in a little less than two weeks. I have enough freezer stash for a month? Maybe two? I'm not sure. But when the freezer stash is gone.. we'll be done. I'm a little sick that I don't have the milk I pumped in NICU - I had over 3,000 oz stockpiled; that would have taken us well into two years. Stupid ex husbands who throw liquid gold away. But oh well. No use crying over spilled breast milk ;)

Every time I give E a bottle of freshly pumped milk I'm a little sad. I feel a little guilty that his breast milk bottles are numbered. But he drinks water out of his bottle like it's no big thing (for naptime), so I really don't think he'll even notice. I've started giving him smoothies at lunch with different fruits, some protein powder and either avocado or coconut milk/coconut oil for some good fats for him. He's drinking them pretty well. When he gets a little better at drinking them I'll sneak some greens in there. That way I'll know he's getting lots of good nutrients still. (He's on a multivitamin too - but I'm extremely paranoid about his nutrition and weight gain. I blame it on NICU.)

I've shed tears over this decision, but ultimately I'm happy with it. My goal was 6 months, and then a year, and after a year I had no defined goals - I just knew I was okay with doing it until he turned two, but I was okay with stopping anytime after I had reached a year, too.

I'm excited to get my body back. Sad that my baby isn't such a baby anymore. Grateful that I made it this long.

And I can't believe it. I'm hanging up the horns. I'm weaning. In a couple weeks, my life won't revolve around pumping!! How crazy is that?!

Dialect Vlog Revisited

2011-04-08T18:56:00.003-07:00

Hey everyone! There's a new dialect vlog started by MamaDweeb, and since everyone else is doing it of course I had to too. Make your own and link up! P.S. I was going to redo it since it looks like my foot is sticking out of the top of my head, but E was too cute in it I just had to post it. Lol! Oh, and I'm from near Las Vegas, and I've lived in Virginia, Florida, and Pennsylvania.

Pillow, Exhausted, Governor, Entrepreneurial, Calm, Milwaukee Wisconsin, Bagel, ambulance, aqua, femoral, address, rural, hypocrisy
What do you call a store where you buy alcohol?
What do you call it when you blow on a baby’s tummy and make them laugh?
What do you call batting your eyelashes on someone’s cheek?
What is another way of saying, “to deceive,” or “swindle?”
What is a funny way to say someone is not smart? (one fry short of a happy meal?)
Another name for butt?
What do you call it when you drive through mud. Lots of it, often fast and pray you don’t get stuck?

Easter Time! Pillow Pets Review and Giveaway

2011-04-03T21:54:00.007-07:00

Easter time is HERE! Just in time, Pillow Pets has brought Fluffy Bunny back!! YAY! Fluffy Bunny is one of the Limited Edition Pillow Pets that are only available seasonally, and it is SO CUTE! I was so excited to get a chance to review it.

As you can see, it (he? she? it feels weird calling this cute thing an it) is soft and furry purple with green gingham lining on the bottom and on the insides of its ears. I think this is an adorable combination - bright for spring, and gender-neutral enough to pass for a boy or a girl.

I'm saving Fluffy Bunny to give to E with his Easter basket, but I took a peek in to the package when I first got it because I was dying to see if it was as soft as our Luv Pup Pillow Pet that we got for Valentine's Day. It sure is!! The gingham lining is also made of the ever so soft chenille that all the Pillow Pets have! I could just stroke them forever.

Just like the rest of the Pillow Pets, Fluffy Bunny turns into a pillow when you unhook the velcro.

If for whatever reason you're not into the purple and green combo, there's also pink-and-polka-dot Cuddly Bunny which is super cute too, especially for those of you who have little girls!

Pillow Pets has come out with a lot of new non-seasonal Pillow Pets, too - including the Green Dinosaur which I'm DYING to get my hands on! Isn't he awesome and ferocious looking?!

Okay... so you know how much I love Pillow Pets... now do you want to win your own Fluffy Bunny?!

Of course you do!

Mandatory Entry: Visit Fluffy Bunny's page and leave a comment here telling me who you would like to give Fluffy Bunny to for an Easter or spring gift! (It's okay to admit you'd keep it for yourself, too!)

Extra Entries:

"Like" Pillow Pets on Facebook
Follow Pillow Pets on Twitter
Follow my blog publicly via Google Friend Connect (in the right sidebar)
Tweet the giveaway! "Hop into spring! #win a Limited Edition Fluffy Bunny from @MyPillowPets and @HauteSingleMama! http://bit.ly/gGsa68 Ends 4/13 " (3x day, at least one hour in between, 1 entry per tweet, please leave permalink!)
Follow me on Twitter

Each is worth one entry into the giveaway. Leave a comment for each entry you complete! Please be sure that your email address is accessible from your blogger profile, or leave your email or Twitter name in your entry comment so I can for sure get in touch with you if you win.

The winner will be chosen on 4/13/11 via random.org. I will email and/or tweet the winner, who will have 24 hours to respond before another winner is chosen. Good luck!!!

Pillow Pets are intended for use by children aged 3 and over. If children younger than that are playing with them they need to be supervised during that time.

This giveaway is open to US mainland residents only. I was sent Fluffy Bunny to review. I was not otherwise compensated for this post. All opinions are honest and my own!

This giveaway is now closed!! Thanks for entereding, everyone!

Congrats to....

kellyr78 said...81

I would give the bunny to my 3 yr old daughter.

April 6, 2011 1:15 PM

Kellyr78! You won! Happy Easter to you and your 3 year old!

Easter Favorites!

2011-03-28T19:29:00.002-07:00

I love Easter time. It means that winter is finally over - spring is here. The weather is beautiful - not too hot but not too cold- and all the beautiful flowers are starting to bloom.

I love the candy and the Easter bunny - I remember being so excited waiting for my Easter basket that I couldn't sleep. Somehow I always missed the Easter bunny, as hard as I tried to stay awake - and when I woke in the morning, I couldn't resist taking a peek at what was in my basket before anyone else woke up!

This year, E is old enough that I can start some new traditions! I got him an Easter basket last year, but he didn't really care about it. This year, instead of a basket I got him a shovel and pail, in which I'll put all his Easter goodies! My parents did that, and we always just loved the shovel and pail. We have a sandbox in the play area in our town home complex, and I think he'll have TONS of fun digging in the sand. I want to do an Easter egg hunt for him in the backyard.. but I'm not sure if he'll "get it." Nothing wrong with trying though, right? I sort of want to dye eggs... I saw an "unspillable" egg dye kit at the store the other day, so maybe I'll try that. But I'm thinking E's still a bit too young!

In addition to all the fun, superficial traditions, since B died, Easter has had an extra special meaning to me. In the Christian faith, Easter is celebrating the resurrection of Jesus. The Christian belief is that everyone will be resurrected someday - and for me, that means I'll see my precious, teeny tiny baby girl again. It's a time of year that is filled with hope and happiness for me. I know that not everyone believes the same way, but for me, this belief brings a lot of comfort. I hope to pass that belief on to E, so he can look forward to meeting his big sister again, too!

I found this website that explains some of the symbolism behind all of the things we associate with Easter! I found out that Easter eggs represent new life or re-birth. Lambs represent Jesus, or "The Lamb of God." I found this one particularly interesting, "Easter hats & wearing new clothes for Easter- Symbolizes new life offered through the death and resurrection of Jesus." I didn't know that!

So while E and I are having fun doing our Easter traditions, I will be thinking about B and what all of those things mean for us as a family. I am so grateful for our faith! What beliefs or traditions do you have when it comes to Easter?

I wrote this blog post while participating in the SocialMoms and Hop blogging program, for a gift card worth $25. For more information on how you can participate, click here.

Wordless Wednesday

2011-03-23T09:30:00.001-07:00

Spring Has Sprung

2011-03-21T10:45:00.001-07:00

I know I just did a graveyard decor post, but obviously since it's WAY overdue, B's little resting spot has gotten a makeover.. for Spring!!! I felt a little silly decorating for Easter so early, since it's not until the end of April this year (can anyone explain to me WHY Easter changes?! It confuses the heck out of me. Something to do with the moon cycles is what I've heard... but what kind of sense does that make?!) but I couldn't stand her Valentine's Day stuff being up in MARCH.

So here it is!

The finished look :)

The bunny was an impulse dollar store buy. I still can't decide if I like it or if it's scary.

Garland with daisies, plus I hung some egg ornaments that I found in the dollar store section at Target off of the garland. You can't tell, but they're sequin-y and sparkle like crazy in the sun!

Lots of little stakes around the edges - eggs on the sides and butterflies in the back! Also in the back next to the solar lights are little pinwheels!

This garden tile was at the dollar store, and I really loved it. It's true, and I thought it fit well with the Easter resurrection theme.

Eli, being helpful and taking the beads I put in the eggs to make them heavy out :/

But he was having fun :)

Doesn't that look springy and festive?! I love it!

A Little Late....

2011-03-19T18:20:00.000-07:00

I am just barely getting around to uploading pictures from my phone from the last few months, and I wanted to share how we decorated B's grave for Valentine's Day. I know that was over a month ago, and I'm pretty sure I tweeted a picture or two, but I just wanted to have it documented here on my blog because I think it looked really cute!

E helping me decorate...

What it looked like when we were finished!

We dropped off the teddy bear on actual Valentine's Day!

Somehow the garland had come off the bottom of the pole... but whatever. It still looked cute.

Miss you, my little Valentine! My due date with her was February 16th, so I was secretly hoping she'd be a Valentine's baby!

To Be or Not to Be?

2011-03-18T23:16:00.002-07:00

I'm contemplating moving out. On my own.

I'm scared.

Ever since I left M, I've been living with my mom. It's crowded and cluttered and chaotic. But free. I also get along much better with my mom than I did growing up, and I enjoy her company and getting to know my little brother (8 years younger than me!) a little better.

It can be very frustrating though. We seem to have reached an impasse at this point - my mom offered my sister (the one with whom M cheated on me) our couch to crash on for an undefined period of time coming up in a few weeks, after my sister gets back from a month long trip and is in between apartments.

I want to clarify by saying that my sister is not without other assistance - we have other family in the immediate area she could stay with during that time, and she has a reasonably substantial college fund which is more than enough to get her a new apartment quickly.

I, on the other hand, have few alternatives to being here. I have a child. I have no assets. My college fund was spent on - gasp - my first two years of college, and on paying marital expenses while M was working his way up at his job, up to and including our cross country move after we got married. I thought I was investing in our future, but it turned out he was just screwing me over. He left me with literally nothing but my child and our personal belongings.

I know that it has been four years since she betrayed me. It's been four years since she lied to my face, manipulated me, humiliated me. My mom feels that I should be "over it" and be able to place all of the blame on M (which I do place 75% of it on him - but I witnessed my sister's encouragement which I now recognize in hindsight, and I cannot absolve her from that 25%). She has never apologized to me, never said "I'm sorry for the role I played," "I'm sorry that I hurt you," "I did a terrible thing to you," nothing. She has tried to pretend like nothing happened, but it did. She was my best friend - the person I would have trusted my life with - and she did that to me. I can't forget it. I can't forgive it.

Yet my mom expects me to somehow be able to share a house with her? Share a bathroom with her? Share meals with her? Have her around my son? I leave the house when she comes over, or stay in my room. I don't answer the house phone when she calls, and I get extremely anxious when anyone talks about her. I simply can't do it. I can't. I can't. I can't.

So I've been looking into my other options. Section 8 housing is nixed - applications are not being accepted at the current time, and although the woman I talked to seemed to think they would be opening soon, the waiting list is two years. I'll be finished with nursing school (knock on wood!) by that time, and I fervently pray that I will have a job and be in no need of financial assistance of any type. They emailed me a list of other low-income housing options, though, and today I looked into one of those.

It's essentially "the projects." It's income adjusted housing. I went to find the apartment office and ran into three moms letting their kids play in the courtyard, and they were very sweet to me. They answered all my questions, and assured me that the apartments were livable although small. They said that they felt that they and their children were safe, and that there are barriers to renters with previous criminal and/or drug history living there. They shared how much they typically pay per month for utilities, and expressed how convenient it is to live downtown, basically within walking distance of everything. They said everyone is pretty friendly, and there are rules about excess noise that are rigidly enforced - so no thumping bass from somebody's car in the middle of the night. The office was closed, but I made an appointment to return on Monday to see about filling out an application. I was informed that there is a waiting list - there would be about 14 families ahead of me - and the nice women outside said that most people wait about 3 months before getting in.

After having several previous clashes with my mom regarding this same subject, I submitted my FAFSA for the 2011-2012 school year to say that my plans were to live off campus, to see if that would change my financial aid package at all to facilitate living by myself. I have yet to receive the package, so we'll see. A 3 month wait would mean I'd be moving just as school was starting, and by school I hopefully mean the nursing program provided that I get in. That would be stressful. But I will have gotten my financial aid at just about the right time to be able to pay deposits on utilities and things... it might just work out.

If it does... I have no furniture. None. M walked away with everything - all our furniture, all our appliances, all our dishes, everything, simply because the logistics of getting everything clear across the country when I had no place to store them didn't add up. But now that I might be needing them.. I'm seriously regretting that. There are thrift stores of course - I could make do or do without. I've gotten good at that. The only problem is if I find furniture at a thrift store... how am I supposed to put it in my apartment by myself? I haven't been very good at attending church, so I don't have a support system that way.. my dad is kind of old and frail.. my mom and step dad might help, if they're not too mad that I'm moving out in the first place. I just don't know. I don't know.

I just need to focus on getting through the next few weeks - getting the application, getting on the wait list, and see where it goes from there. I'm going to have to endure my sister being here no matter what, so I'm just going to have to have my Xanax in hand and man up. Nothing I can do about that. But I've been living at home for about a year and a half now and I'm honestly scared to be back out on my own. I'm scared to stress about utilities and if I locked the door and what that bumping noise was. I haven't ever lived by myself - always with roommates, or married. You know what, though? I may struggle with my self confidence regarding relationships, but I know for a fact from all of the crap I've been through that I can do scary things.

Refocus

2011-03-17T23:45:00.000-07:00

Lately I've been thinking about this blog. Why I post on it. Why I don't as much as I "should." I thought about why I started blogging.

I started blogging because I couldn't find any blogs written by people like me. When M told me that he didn't want to be married to me anymore, my life stopped making sense. Never in a million years had I pictured myself as a single mother. I was scared.to.death. I searched the Internet for blogs about single mothers. Mothers whose husbands had left them when their babies were as little as mine. Women who were blatantly rejected by someone who, a few days before, swore up and down that they were completely happy in the relationship.

I didn't find any.

I found some very inspiring single mom blogs. Moms of multiple children, moms who had gotten divorced after many years of marriage, moms who were successfully coparenting with their exes. But none with a story quite like mine.

I was desperate to know how I would do it. It seemed so impossible. So nightmarish. I needed to see that others had been through what I had and had lived to tell the tale. I had found solace in the blogs of stronger women before - when I miscarried and when I lost B - and so often I wished that I'd had the strength to blog while I was going through those experiences.

So I decided to blog this one. The journey of my single motherhood. My road to self reliance and self acceptance. Lately, though, I've found myself uninspired. I come to this blog when I need help - to ask questions or to blog about my problems, and that's not what I intended this blog to be. It's been difficult to blog about the divorce process while it's been going on, and it's difficult to be open about the experiences while leaving out key personal details.

So I want to refocus. This blog is about what I do right, and about the lessons I learn from the mistakes I do make. If I can reach out and help one woman going through similar changes in her life, I'll have reached my goal.

Why did you start blogging? Does your blog still reflect what you meant it to be?

So Obvious.

2011-03-10T22:02:00.000-07:00

Well, I figured it out. It only took me... almost a year, but I figured it out.

So right after M and I separated, I started losing weight. This was way healthy for me, because I definitely had weight to lose after 3 pregnancies in a row. In the spring, though... I started to plateau. But that happens with weight loss, so I didn't worry about it. Incidentally, that was about the time I started taking domperidone.

Fall? I started to regain. I was mortified, but I chalked it up to all the stress eating and studying that I'd been doing, as well as lack of exercise. But... when I finally got up the courage to weigh myself? I'd regained at an alarming weight. Totally alarming.

I've been doing the 30 Day Shred again, and really taking care to make healthy food choices. I haven't been perfect, but I've improved a lot over what I was doing in fall semester. But the scale hasn't budged.

I thought it must be something I'm not doing right... I must be eating more than I realize.. but how did I lose weight so fast before and now, doing the same thing, I'm unable to lose anything?

Then when I was debating whether or not to order more domperidone to continue pumping for E... I ran across a thread on some mommy website. Each and every woman in this discussion said that she had gained weight while taking domperidone, and couldn't lose it until after she got off it. I searched around some more and found more discussions on other websites that came to the same conclusion. It's the domperidone!

Well crap. Crap crap crap. Summer is coming, I feel awful, and I know without a doubt that this is what is causing me to gain and retain weight. It only makes sense - the purpose of the drug is to speed up digestion. The side effect just happens to be enhanced lactation.

So now I'm so conflicted. In the scheme of things, what's 4 1/2 more months before I manage to shed the baby weight? Not a whole lot. But I feel so awful about myself, and the divorce is going to be final, and I'm lonely. I want to feel cute and dateable, you know? Which I seriously don't right now. Not in the least.

Sigh. So, I'm not sure what to do. I'm pretty sure I'm going to finish out what I have. At least I know now. But I don't know if I can order more when I know it's doing this to me. I'm so glad that I took it to be able to feed E breast milk.. but I'm so ready to shed this weight. Soooo ready.

So Lucky

2011-03-09T16:08:00.001-07:00

Spring Break is coming up for me (yay - I really, really need it!) next week, and I plan on doing absolutely nothing. In fact, I think it would be a good time to catch up on all the movies I wanted to see in theaters, but missed because of the nuisance of studying! Just in time for Spring Break, Redbox is offering a chance to get free movie credits during the Redbox Lucky To Have Friends Like You promotion. They give you your own unique web address so that each time someone uses your link to rent a movie, you get a free movie credit. Pretty sweet, right?

Besides being lucky enough to score free movie rentals, I'm lucky in a lot of more serious ways. Even with all the crap that has gone on in my life over the past few years, I have so much to be grateful for!

First and foremost, I am so, so lucky and grateful to have a living, breathing child. Even at the most frustrating times of motherhood, that fact is never lost on me. I'm lucky that I was able to stay on bed rest to keep him baking for the 3 weeks that made the difference between life and death for him. I'm lucky that he did so amazingly well in NICU, and I'm lucky to have met all the amazing medical professionals who helped us through that difficult time and inspired me to become a nurse.

Speaking of nursing, I am so lucky to be able to "start over" and go back to school. If my mom hadn't stepped in and offered E and I a place to live, I might be stuck working for minimum wage and barely making ends meet forever. Literally, forever. Not everyone has the opportunity to get a college education and I'm so appreciative of this chance.

I'm lucky to have all my friends! Even with the craziness that is my life, I am so happy to be able to stay connected through blogs, emails, Twitter and texts. It has saved my sanity more than once. At some point in my life I hope to get to be a little more social "in real life," but for now I'm grateful for the technology that can connect me to friends and family when I don't have the time or the means to get together in person.

And now that spring has (almost) sprung, I'm feeling lucky for the beautiful and safe area I live in. It's so great to be able to take E outside without worrying too much. He loves to play outside and the weather recently has been so gorgeous!

I don't pause often enough to count up the things in my life that are lucky. I complain too often and I want to change that! In what ways are you lucky this St. Patrick's Day?

I wrote this blog post while participating in the SocialMoms and redbox blogging program, for a $25 Walmart gift card from redbox. For more information on how you can participate, click here.

Got Keys?

2011-03-09T14:42:00.002-07:00

Thank you to P&G’s Have You Tried This Yet? program and Kroger for sponsoring my writing about trying new things and breaking out of my everyday routine. Click here to find great savings on high-performing P&G products at a Kroger store near you. I was selected for this sponsorship by the Clever Girls Collective, which endorses Blog With Integrity, as I do.

* * * * *

I am notorious for being late. When I say "Meet me at 3:00," it really means 3:15. It's awful and it's a habit I need to break before getting into nursing school, because in that program lateness is absolutely not tolerated. Nor is it tolerated at a job (although with previous jobs I've managed to get myself to work on time), so now is the time to fix that.

One thing that has caused me a lot of lateness in the past is losing my keys and/or my debit card. Those are things I always haphazardly stash in a random pocket in my purse and inevitably they get lost in the dark depths of it. Then when I'm about to fly out the door I have to pause and frantically search for them. Not very conducive to timeliness.

Funny story - I once missed a dinner with a good friend who lives an hour away because I couldn't find my keys. Seriously. I had come home from running errands, gotten ready, changed E's clothes, and went to find my keys like 30 minutes later and couldn't find them anywhere. ANYWHERE! I tore the house apart looking for them, and by the time I found them it was way too late and I had already missed the dinner. It was so awful and embarrassing.

And that's not the only time something like that has happened to me. Before this semester started I was looking for some ways to get organized - I wanted to make this semester a little less stressful than last. I got a fabulous idea - I invested in a lanyard and a zip pouch with a key ring on it!

Ta-da!!! Now my keys, ID, and debit card are all in the same place. Even better? I just loop it over the handles of my purse like so

and I don't even have to dig for it - it's always right there. I haven't lost my keys since I purchased this.

Even though I'm still scrambling around trying to find a bottle, sippy cup, diapers, wipes, baby socks (HOW do people keep track of baby socks?! If you have any suggestions, please do tell), and all the other things that it takes for a mom to get out of the house, the essentials are always in one place where I can find them.

What a simple change, right?! I'm not a very organized person, but I tried one new thing and it has made a huge difference in my life. I wonder what other little changes I could make! Do you have any suggestions??

Can't Quit

2011-03-07T23:14:00.000-07:00

I think I have a problem. An addiction of sorts. They say the first step to recovery is admitting you have a problem, right? Right?! So maybe I have a problem.

I'm afraid to stop pumping. Really, literally afraid. I can't imagine a world in which I don't need to pump at least twice a day. I can't imagine a world in which I don't have breast milk to give to my baby.

The thing is, my baby? Will be turning two in only five months. Two. That's pretty old. (Yes, I have now been exclusively pumping for 19 months. Yes, I am insane.)

He mainly takes a bottle of breast milk at nap time and at bedtime. He's down to about 20 oz a day. The last week or so he's become obsessed with "wa-wa" (water) in his sippy cup or a regular cup (which I try to avoid since he spills it all over himself). He ~~insists on~~ will take sips of cow's milk out of a cup if I'm drinking it, but I haven't tried putting it in his sippy or a bottle yet. I have a feeling he'd be fine with it in a bottle.. but that seems so weird.

I'm almost out of domperidone (which, in case you're unfamiliar, is the medication recommended to me by my OB to take to maintain milk supply while exclusively pumping). Do I buy more? Or do I stop taking it, and let my supply taper off and start mixing with cow's milk? I can't decide. I just can't decide.

On the one hand, I'll be really glad not to have to worry about it. The day I don't have to wash bottles and pump parts?! Well, it will just be one thing I can scratch off my to-do list... for good. Yay.

On the other... I like pumping. I like the assurance of knowing that E is getting good nutrition even though he still has some trouble eating solid food. I like that breast milk is free (well, sort of... I buy the domperidone). And that it's always available.

Any advice?! Is my reluctance to quit a sign that it's not time yet, or is it just the inability to accept that my teeny tiny preemie is now a toddler and doesn't really need me like that anymore?? Maybe some of both.

Dialect Vlog

2011-03-04T21:54:00.003-07:00

Hey guys! I'm not a big vlogger but everyone is doing this and I had to join in, I think it's really fun! The point is to hear how different people from different regions of the country say this list of words, which I will paste below the video!

Aunt, Route, Wash, Oil,Theater, Iron, Salmon, Caramel, Fire, Water, Sure, Data, Ruin, Crayon, Toilet, New Orleans, Pecan, Both, Again, Probably, Spitting image, Alabama, Lawyer, Coupon, Mayonnaise, Syrup, Pajamas, Caught

Questions:

What is it called when you throw toilet paper on a house?

What is the bug that when you touch it, it curls into a ball?

What is the bubbly carbonated drink called?

What do you call gym shoes?

What do you say to address a group of people?

What do you call the kind of spider that has an oval-shaped body and extremely long legs?

What do you call your grandparents?

What do you call the wheeled contraption in which you carry groceries at the supermarket?

What do you call it when rain falls while the sun is shining?

What is the thing you change the TV channel with?

Wasn't that fun?! Play along and upload your own dialect vlog!

Friends who already have:

Katie at Pickles and Paisleys
Emily at Baby Dickey
Alyssa at She's Mommafied
Natalie at Mommy Boots
Christa at Little BGCG
Joshua at Daddy Green's Pride
Joanna at Baby Gator's Den

It's Done.

2011-02-17T16:17:00.000-07:00

Done. Over.

I signed the divorce papers today. It was such a... shock, I guess? That isn't really the right word. But it was really strange to see M's handwriting, his signature. It was like I had a flashback of all the notes he'd written me in high school, up to him signing our marriage certificate... and then this. I know that signature, that handwriting so well. It hit me kind of hard.

But it's over. The papers aren't going to be filed with the court until M provides documentation that E is insured under his policy (what good does it do if I don't have the information, anyway? I mean seriously) but as soon as we do, all it needs is a judge's signature and it's final.

It's a bittersweet day.

The Eve of Change

2011-02-16T23:05:00.000-07:00

I got a call from my attorney today. After 16 long months, M has finally signed the latest draft of our divorce decree. I'll go in to sign it tomorrow.

After all of this time... I just don't know what to think. The decree itself is legally fair, but I feel kind of screwed over by it. I gave up on getting alimony, and just all around let him get away with too much for what he did to us. By legal standards for normal situations, it's a pretty standard document. But the reason for divorce said irreconcilable differences, when it should say "adultery and abandonment." I should get alimony. Those are the only major disappointments for me, I guess.

I can't help but still feel that this isn't right. I didn't think I still loved him - I thought I was completely over it. I'm not. I could never go back to him, but I still wish this had never happened. That it was all a bad dream and I'll wake up and things will be normal again. We were meant to be together. That's how I've always felt and it's very hard to change that perspective.

Another thing. I'm not prepared to be divorced. I'm not prepared for the pressure of people wanting me to date. I'm not ready. The thought of going on a date makes me want to throw up. The thought of taking any chances with my still shattered heart is just unthinkable, but I know there will be pressure from all around me. People trying to set me up. My mom, as good as her intentions are, is always telling me that I'll become bitter if I don't get back out there. Maybe she's right. I don't know. I just know I'm not ready yet.

I'm not ready. But tomorrow I'll put my pen to that paper, and just like that, "until death do us part" is undone. It's just unreal.

Things To Love (And Learn!) About Cloth Diapering

2011-02-14T19:49:00.005-07:00

We've been doing great in cloth diapers, and our stash has grown enough that I don't have to wash diapers every night any more!! Yippee!!

It's so not as big of a deal as I thought it was going to be. It's like one more load of laundry a week, and it's fast laundry, not takes-hours-to-sort-and-fold laundry. That's it. That's the only thing that's different. I don't have more leaks than with disposables, I have considerably less trash, my house smells a lot better since the poop goes in the toilet and doesn't sit around in the trash can, and I don't ever have to worry about running out of diapers. I love it.

I'm still learning, though. I learned a very important lesson about cloth diapering the other morning.

E had slept in my bed, and was in only a t-shirt and diaper since he had spilled a cup of water from my bedside table on his pajamas and I was too lazy to find him another pair. So it's morning, and I'm all groggy but I can feel E moving around so I have to wake up. I look to my right, and there's his diaper. HIS DIAPER. Without him in it. As soon as I registered that, I heard a grunt. A GRUNT. I intuitively knew what was going to happen, and I jumped up and grabbed a cloth wipe from my stash. Just in time, I CAUGHT HIS POOP. WITH A WIPE. IN MY HAND. If it weren't for my superior reflexes, he would have pooped on my pillow. Oh. Em. Gee.

So the lesson is: don't put your toddler in velcro diapers without pants. EVER. From then on I've been using snaps at night with pants or a onesie on top. He's never managed to get snaps off, but I'm sure he'll learn in no time!

In case you've had some mishaps of your own, I'm giving away a $25 gift card to Diapers Etc.! They have revamped their web site and it's better than ever. The giveaway is being sponsored by Diapers Etc and EcoChic Parties. Yay!

Mandatory Entry:

Follow my blog via Google Friend Connect and leave me a comment telling me about the funniest diaper mishaps you have had - cloth or disposable!

Extra Entries:

"Like" Diapers Etc on Facebook
Follow Diapers Etc on Twitter
Follow @EcoChicParties on Twitter
Follow me on Twitter!
Visit Diapers Etc and tell me what you're dying to spend your $25 on!
Enter other giveaways from the blog party - one entry for each other giveaway you enter! (Unfortunately, you can only win from one blog, though. Just FYI.)
Tweet this giveaway: "Win a $25 gift card to @DiapersEtc! Join in on the @EcoChicParties fun with @HauteSingleMama! #clothdiapers http://bit.ly/i6bQzu Ends 2/28 "

Please leave one comment per entry completed. Have fun! This giveaway will end 2/28.

Open only to US residents 18 years or older. I was provided with a cloth diaper from Diapers Etc. No other compensation was received for this post. All opinions are honest and my own!

Who Will Be Your Valentine?

2011-01-31T14:16:00.001-07:00

Today is the last day of January, making tomorrow.... FEBRUARY! Yikes! This year is already going by really fast.

Once again this year, E is the one and only (and cutest and cuddliest and sweetest) man in my life, so he gets to be Mommy's little Valentine. I'll spoil him rotten with chocolate, I'm sure, but on top of that he's getting a Pillow Pet! I've seen these everywhere and have ~~wanted one~~ wanted to get E one soooo badly for a long time.

If you live under a rock and haven't seen these around, here's a description for you:

“Made of ultra-soft chenille, Pillow Pets™ plush foldable stuffed animals are much more than a stuffed animal. With a strap that closes underneath to transform the pillow into a friendly pet, they are an ideal travel pal, naptime buddy and all-around cuddly friend. Pillow Pets™ plush foldable stuffed animals are available in jungle animals, farm critters and sea creatures – 36 different animals to choose from – and are just one part of the Pillow Pets™ family of products, which also includes books, blankets, slippers, and games.”

We were lucky enough to get Luv Pup, the Valentine’s Day dog pillow pet. I let my mom have a sneak peek at E's V-Day gift, and she doesn't want to hand it over to him. It's so incredibly soft, I can't even describe it. They say they're made of "ultra-soft chenille" and they're not kidding. My mom just sat there and stroked it... and stroked it... until I had to tell her that it wasn't a real dog and didn't really need petting ;)

They also have a Valentine Cat which is super cute too!

Anyway, I've put it away until Valentine's Day, and I'm sure E will LOVE it. I'm so excited to give it to him!

So who is your Valentine this year? Would you like to give a Valentine Pillow Pet as a gift, or keep one for your very own?

Win it! One lucky winner will receive their choice of a Valentine's cat or dog pillow pet!

Mandatory entry:

Visit http://www.lovemypillowpets.com/ and tell me which pillow pet you love and who you would like to give one to!

Extra Entries:

Follow my blog via GFC
Leave a comment on My Pillow Pets Blog (and you don't have to, but it would be super nice of you if you told them I sent you!)
"Like" Pillow Pets on Facebook
Follow me on Twitter!
Tweet this giveaway "Who is YOUR Valentine this year? #Win a #PillowPet to give to that special someone from @HauteSingleMama!http://bit.ly/gFi4SI Ends 2/6" (As many times as you want, but at least one hour between tweets. Leave me the link!)

Leave a comment for each entry you complete!

Good luck! This giveaway will close on February 6th, 11:59pm EST so that the winner will have time to get his or her Luv Pillow Pet in time for Valentine’s day! Winner will be chosen via Random.org.

Pillow Pets are intended for use by children aged 3 and over. If children younger than that are playing with them they need to be supervised during that time.

I was sent a Pillow Pet to review. No other compensation was received for this post. All opinions are honest and my own!

Cloth Diapers - The First Weekend

2011-01-16T23:32:00.000-07:00

Because of the fact that I entered school in the spring, I've received financial aid for spring, summer, fall, and now spring semesters consecutively. Unfortunately, aid is only available for 2 semesters out of the year... so that means this time, my spring money has to last through the summer.

As a result, I'm trying to cut corners financially speaking. One way that I've chosen is through exploring cloth diapering.

I've gotten a lot of strange looks and comments, up to and including "cloth diapers are ridiculous," "seriously?!" and "ewwwwwwww!" especially from my family (that I live with). That's made the transition a little rocky, but other than that little hurdle, it's a lot easier than I expected.

I have a little mini-stash of 6 diapers, which is enough if I wash them every night. Two were generously donated to me by each of my friends Katie and Beth, so that's four, plus one that I won from one of Becca's giveaways and one that I'm lucky enough to be able to review. So total expenditure = $0. Not bad, eh?

I was very, very intimidated at first as I had NO idea what to do with the diapers in the first place. There seemed to be so many ins and outs of washing them, and everyone has "what works best for them" so there really aren't any hard and fast rules. The first time E pooped in one I ran to Twitter like OMG NOW WHAT?!?!?!?! But it turned out fine.

E has been in cloth this entire weekend! Friday, Saturday, and Sunday. We had a little mishap Friday night where I didn't anticipate his nighttime wetting volume, so he leaked some. But hey, that has happened to me with disposables too!

My mom and step dad (who frequently watch E) are adamant that they don't do cloth, so I'll still have to keep disposables on hand for them, and I don't really have enough of a stash to provide daycare with any. Even having him in cloth part time will cut down on the amount of diapers that I'm buying, though. At least that's the idea.

Plus? My room smells WAY better now that there aren't poopy diapers sitting in it all the time. The poop goes into the toilet - imagine that! I was afraid the cloth diapers would make it smell worse but I have to say, the complete opposite is true. I'm not sure if that will be the case once I get enough diapers that I don't have to wash every night, but we'll see. Maybe it will!

Flab to Fab Friday

2011-01-14T18:01:00.000-07:00

Christa over at Little BGCG is doing Flab to Fab Fridays and I'm joining in!

I (along with many other pre-nursing students who I've spoken with) GAINED WEIGHT during my semester of physiology. All the stress and studying was not good for my waistline! Yuck. So this semester since my classes are a little more low key, I'm trying to get back on track.

This week my goal was to eat breakfast every day before school. I accomplished that buy buying plastic tupperware-type "bowls" with lids, and microwaving some oatmeal to eat in the car on the way to drop E off at daycare. I know, not ideal, but hey. It worked. I ate breakfast every day except today (which I didn't take him to daycare, I left him with my mom, so there you go).

I also went to the fitness center at school on Monday, Tuesday, and today. That will be my goal for next week - to go to the fitness center those days again. Wednesday won't happen because of E's daycare hours, and Thursday I'm not on campus until night time. I want to try to add in the 30 Day Shred, but E has been having a hard time transitioning back to daycare and will hardly let me put him down when we're home. That should improve soon, so when it does I'll add in the Shred.

Trying to stay flexible but still get it done!

So goal for next week: Continue to eat breakfast daily, and go to the fitness center Mon Tues and Fri. Add in Shred if possible.

See ya next Friday!

Breastfeeding Blog Hop

2011-01-13T11:11:00.000-07:00

I do realize that all I've been posting lately are blog hops lol. It's the first week of school, and I don't have much to talk about just yet. E and I have been trying out cloth diapers, so some posts on that will come soon, but as for now... well, here's another blog hop. Sorry!

I just had to participate in this one that Jen over at Life with Levi started. She's a fellow exclusively pumping mama, which is crazy because it seems we're few and far between!

If you're new to my blog, check out my "About" and "Breastfeeding" tabs. I'm a 24 year old single mama to E, who is 17 months, and I've been exclusively pumping for him since day one (he was a preemie). I'm sad that we've lost out on that special nursing relationship, but so proud that I've been able to provide him with 17 months of breast milk, even if it does come through a bottle!

More Followers Monday 1/10/2011

2011-01-09T23:59:00.000-07:00

It's another....

Can't wait to find more blogs to stalk!

Snapped

2011-01-06T22:39:00.000-07:00

Tonight I snapped. It's not the first time, and unfortunately I'm sure it will not be the last.

The last week of this break from school has been completely overwhelming. My mom and step dad were gone for four days for a funeral and my body of course chose that time to get sick. So was all alone with the baby with the sorest throat I ever remember having - I even went to get checked for strep (it wasn't) it was so bad. I hung on though, knowing that help was coming. My parents would be home soon and they would help. So I bucked up, took a butt load of Dayquil, got the house nice and clean for them when they got home, trying to make everything as stress free as possible.

They did come home. But then they were sick. They spent the better part of two days in bed, leaving me to manage E by myself. It wasn't too bad, because I was feeling a lot better, so again I tried to be as helpful as possible.

Then yesterday, E caught what they had. He had a high fever (104!) and a cough and was just miserable. He clung to me all day long and I enjoyed the snuggle time (although I was worried about him).

But today. Oh, today. I caught it too, although it seems to be mild. I just have major, major sinus pressure and I can't breathe. E still isn't feeling well today, and he was particularly whiny. I held on all day though. There was light at the end of the tunnel. I was sure that if I just waited for my mom to get home, she would help and give me a break.

Ha. They say hope breeds eternal misery, and so it did today. This evening everyone plopped themselves on the couch to hunker down for prime time guilty pleasure TV viewing, and I was the one left chasing E up and down and up and down and up and down the stairs. When my family members had the audacity to ask me what was for dinner and if we had any chocolate in the house... well, that was when it happened.

I snapped.

I stomped around and took E for a bath. He kept standing up in the bathtub and nearly slipping, and finally I yelled at him to SIT DOWN. WE SIT DOWN IN THE TUB!!!!

How awful is that? My kid has the worst sickness of his life so far and I yell at him to sit down in the bathtub. He probably doesn't even understand what I'm saying, only that I'm yelling at him. Me, his mother, his only parent, the only person responsible for him in the whole wide world.

Then my mother, probably fearing I was about to shake him to death or something (which I was not even close to, just to be clear) came up and asked me why I was so angry, and I just spilled my guts. Got my brother in trouble in the process. Told her it wasn't her fault, but that I was sick of the boys (my brother and step dad) doing absolutely nothing to contribute to the family while she and I do everything.

I'm tired. There is so much pressure on me. The divorce (and the dollar amount it is costing me) is weighing on me. I'm applying to nursing school this semester and I have to take the entrance exam which I haven't spent a whole lot of time studying for because - surprise surprise - no one has been available to help me with E. It's so much pressure trying to get my application as strong as possible. On top of all of that, I feel like I am expected to do everything domestically speaking, but I don't even get to do everything my way because I live under someone else's roof. I can't cook the meals I'd normally make because no one likes them. I can't clean the way I normally would because half of the things aren't mine and I don't know what to do with them. I'm in a state of eternal limbo in almost every area of my life, and it's just wearing me down.

I really have no outlet other than this blog and Twitter. Poor Katie has to listen to me rant like a raving lunatic because I don't have any other friends who are as sympathetic and non judgmental as she is.

Luckily, school starts on Monday. That will give me at least a little bit of a break, and E will have fun seeing his friends at the babysitter's. This semester shouldn't be too tough other than trying to get my nursing application together, so that's good. I'm definitely making a counseling appointment at the student wellness center right away, and I'll be exercising as well. Hopefully those endorphins will make it a little easier for me to deal. I hope to start yoga again as well, but we'll see since I have to do that at home.

Anyway. Sigh. Thanks for reading this far if you even did. There is something so cleansing about getting stuff out on the internet ;) xoxo

All Done

2011-01-05T21:51:00.000-07:00

E has been picking up signing lately - FINALLY. We've been watching Baby Signing Time Volume 1 since he was like six months old or something, I don't even know. Anyway, he signs "more" (which comes out as clapping), "milk" (which he does correctly) and "all done" (which he expresses as "milk" with two hands, lol).

"Milk" and "more" are very helpful, but I'm having some issues with "all done." For instance, a couple of nights ago I was brushing E's teeth and he kept signing "All done!! ALL DONE!!" I felt really bad because he was communicating to me in the only way he knows how (other than crying) that he wanted me to stop. But I really needed to brush his teeth. So what then? I mean, how am I supposed to continue to teach him to sign when I just ignore what he's trying to tell me? He'll give up. But then I'm also a terrible mother if I give in and don't make him brush his teeth. It's a lose-lose situation.

E is sick today - this is probably the worst illness he's ever had. It's just a really bad cold, but he's absolutely miserable. He keeps coughing and holding his head (because I'm sure coughing hurts his head!) and then looking up at me pitifully and signing "all done." TEAR DROP. What am I supposed to do about that?! It about breaks my heart. He's telling me to fix him and there isn't anything I can do other than give him some meds and hope it helps a little.

I try to talk him though it and explain, with the teeth brushing and the sickness and all the other things he's "all done" with, but of course I don't know how much his little baby mind understands. I wish I could fix everything and let him be all done as soon as he's ready. It's hard to be the mom.

More Followers Monday

2011-01-02T22:08:00.000-07:00

I'm pretty sure that's the cutest blog hop button EVER.
Happy first Monday of 2011, everyone!

Relax & Surf Sunday

2011-01-02T09:10:00.000-07:00

Hey guys! I have some time on my hands today (YAY! When does that happen?!) so I'm relaxing and surfing today. If you stopped by from R&S, hello!!! Take a look around and say HI! xoxo!

Happy New Year!

2011-01-01T22:07:00.000-07:00

Yes, it's the obligatory New Year's post.

Looking at this past year... it's easy for me to feel discouraged. I'm in exactly the same position I was in last year. I'm living as if I'm single but my divorce is still not even close to being final. I'm still living with my parents. My financial situation is, if anything, worse than it was last year due to the student loans I've had to take out. I lost weight last year, but gained a lot of it back.

On the bright side, I did get 3 semesters of school finished in 2010, with pretty dang decent grades to boot. I'm set to apply for the nursing program this semester (for the class beginning fall 2011 and graduating December 2012) and I think I'll have a fairly strong application. I hope. I still need to take the entrance exam and write the essay. I'm studying for the exam over the break, and I'm not really too worried about the essay.

E has grown A LOT over the past year, and that's just amazing. I pumped breast milk for him every day in 2010, and that's pretty amazing too in my humble opinion. He walks now, and says "dog," "mama," "uh-oh," "banana," and "cheese." He signs "milk," "all done," "more" (well, sometimes when he feels like it), and "water." He takes his own dirty diapers to the garbage can which is super cute since he's all excited about it. It has been so wonderful to watch him grow from a little bitty preemie into this precious little toddler. Love, love, love.

In 2011... I really need to get this weight off. It's making me unhappy, and I have enough to be unhappy about without that too. I am taking a fitness course in school, so that will be at least 3 hours a week of exercise that I have no excuse to miss since E will be at the babysitter's. I hope to add yoga back into my life on top of that, but since that will be at home I'm sure it will be hit and miss. The yoga is mainly for stress management (hopefully more yoga = less Xanax!) but it obviously has physical benefits as well. My eating strategy will be simple - eat breakfast every day so I don't get starving while I'm out, and don't buy junk food. Just don't keep it around. That last part will be a bit challenging living at home, but I'm going to do it anyway.

In 2011... I want my divorce to be final. I'm so done with it all, so done with M and his constant pathological lying. I want him out of my life, even through our attorneys. I'm tired. I'm finished. So please pray for me that my divorce will be final this year ;). If I am sitting at home again next New Year's Eve because I didn't even have the option to go on a date because I'm still married, I might just drop dead. Figuratively, of course.

In 2011... I want to be a bit more organized so I can spend more quality time with E, rather than multitasking time. I want to blog a little more and surf the internet mindlessly a little less. I want to continue to do well academically. I want to be a little cleaner. That includes showering more (have you ever tried showering with a toddler screaming at you? If so, you'll understand that sometimes? It's easier to not even bother) and cleaning up daily instead of waiting until things get so messy it starts to annoy me. I had some really good cleaning habits established in 2009 and I'd like to go back to that. I want to be a bit more positive and not always dwell on the fact that I have to do everything. That's just how it is, and I need to stop shirking and just buck up and accept that fact. If I wait around for help, I'll be waiting forever. There is no help. It's all me. Somehow, some way, that will be okay.

xoxo. I'm so grateful for the blogging/Twitter community. It's such an outlet for me, and I appreciate every single one of you. Happy New Year! I wish you all a happy, productive, and prosperous 2011!!

Christmas Break

2010-12-29T23:26:00.000-07:00

Merry Christmas, a few days late! I don't have our Christmas pictures uploaded yet, and I'm too lazy to go get my camera, so that will have to wait for another post. We had a fabulous Christmas and I hope everyone else did too!

I'm enjoying my time off of school. We're just hanging out - not too much to do! It's been very rainy here in the desert which is pretty rare, so we've been hunkering down at home since we don't really know what to do when water falls from the sky!

Since we've had so much at-home time, I decided that it's the perfect opportunity to try out cloth diapering. It's popular with a lot of my bloggy friends, and if they jumped off a bridge, I'd totally do it too. (J/k. Sort of.) So here we go!! I'm trying out the 5 diapers that I currently own - E's had his little bum covered in cloth all day today and so far, so good. They're all different brands so we'll have to see which becomes the favorite. Watch for some cloth diaper reviews and giveaways coming up in the next couple of months!

And that's that. We're just lying low. I hope everyone else is getting some down time to spend with their loved ones too!! Happy Holidays, everyone!

It's That Time of Year!

2010-12-04T14:58:00.000-07:00

I haven't gotten too into the holiday spirit for the last few years. I used to be a Christmas FREAK, and start listening to Christmas music in like September, AND celebrate Christmas in July. But life (at least my life!) has a way of wearing you down, and suddenly the holidays are a source of loneliness and anxiety rather than good will and cheer.

I'm trying to change that this year though. I really want Christmas to be fun for E, and since he's big enough this year to have a little bit of an understanding that something fun is going on, I figured no better time to start than the present! So today we went out and decorated B's grave for Christmas. It was a lot of fun picking out everything, and decorating. E even helped a little! Today he was the most well behaved at the cemetery than he ever has been before - I think it has to do with the fact that he can walk now, so he just toddled around while I did the decorating instead of whining like he usually does. It was so much fun with a happy boy!

Here are some pictures of the decorations! I saw a few other graves that looked like they had some Christmas-crazy family members too ;) So it's not just me!

Pumping Milestone - 16 Months

2010-12-01T23:27:00.001-07:00

I haven't written a ZOMG LOOK HOW LONG I'VE BEEN PUMPING!!! post since I hit a year. But I decided that I'd do one this month, because sixteen? Sounds like a very big number.

E is still drinking a lot of breast milk (around 30 ounces a day). That's kind of a lot for a 16 month old (even for a 13.5-adjusted-for-prematurity-month old). He's also been eating very little actual food, which is where the problem really lies. You know, "Food before one is just for fun!" Well, we've been there, done that, got the T-shirt and it's not fun and games anymore. He should be eating, especially because he's severely anemic. To the point that he was showing symptoms of anemia so I took him to the pediatrician to have his hemoglobin tested. It was quite low - lower then it had been when it was last checked (9 months old). Yep, definitely (very) anemic.

So the time has come.....

You thought I was going to say I'm quitting. BAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Nope.

The time has come to try pureed baby food again instead of the baby led weaning, because I've just got to get some iron into that boy. I'm giving him prescription iron drops and everything but I'd rather he get it from diet, so there we are. Breast milk is relatively low in iron but the amount that it does have is very absorbable so he can still have it if he wants.

In other pumping related news, this week I got my very first plugged duct. That's right, the first and only in 16 months. That's pretty dang lucky, if you ask me. It hurts enough to be really annoying. I'm doing warm compresses and showers and pumping like crazy, like I tell all those other people who get plugged ducts to do, but have never had to do myself. Hopefully it clears up soon, because I'll be pretty bummed if it turns into mastitis. I told my mom and she's all "That would be enough to make me wean!" and I'm all "Heck no, I'm hardcore."

Seriously though I'm hoping to make it through the winter still pumping. Since E doesn't qualify for Synagis this year I really want him to have the little immunity boost that the breast milk gives him. I don't really have a problem with keeping going until he's 2, unless it somehow becomes a huge inconvenience for me. I'm pretty used to it by now so I don't really see that happening. We'll see. Stay tuned.

Disclaimer: I wrote this post when I should have been sleeping. Enough said.

Pardon the Dust

2010-12-01T21:47:00.000-07:00

My blog is getting a little dusty, as I'm totally swamped with finals. Sorry about that. Also, because I'm such a good student, I've been blowing off studying tonight and tinkering with my blog design (I suppose "design" is a strong word, since I'm just making it up as I go along. Design sounds professional. Which it's not.). So pardon the construction dust too.

Only two more weeks of school... and then I get three weeks off! Woo hoo!!

Fight For Preemies

2010-11-16T23:42:00.003-07:00

Prior to the birth of my daughter, I knew nothing about preemies. I never dreamed I'd have her early. I'd had a previous early miscarriage, so I knew that the possibility of losing her before 12 weeks gestation was there. I thought once I hit the magical 12 week mark I was "safe" and would carry to term.

I was so wrong.

1 in 8 babies is born before 37 weeks (March of Dimes). One in eight. Before I had my preemies, I didn't know about the NICU. I didn't know about the tubes and the wires, the ventilator and the bililights. I thought it would be cute for the baby to come a little early, because it would be so small.

I had no idea.

No idea what small was. No idea that small isn't cute. It's frightening.

I've had two preemies. One was 26 weeks, and the other 29 weeks and 2 days. I have to add the two days, because with preemies, every hour in the womb counts.

26 weeks, 29 weeks 2 days. Both were very early. How do you measure that difference? How can you put a value on 3 weeks and 2 days in the womb?

B, Day 1. Born at 26 weeks.

E, Day 1. Born at 29 weeks 2 days.

The diaper on the left is a Pamper's Preemie sized diper. It's the size E's wearing in his picture. On the right, is a Pamper's micropreemie diaper. It's the size B's wearing in her pic. And it was huge on her. My BlackBerry is just for size reference.

E's NICU blood pressure cuff on top, B's on the bottom.

B's footprints vs. E's footprints. A quarter in the middle, for size reference.

This was E's birthday this year...

And this was B's.

When I think of fighting for preemies, I think of preventing preemies. Medicine will never be able to create an equivalent to the womb. Even if B had lived, she would never have sailed through NICU like E did.

So pregnant women: know the signs of preterm labor. Be pushy. Fight for every second, every hour more that you can give your child in your womb. Stay on bed rest. Do whatever it takes to keep that baby inside you for every second possible.

Because 3 little weeks and two measly days can make a life or death difference.

Fight for every one.

Happy Birthday, B!

2010-11-11T20:37:00.001-07:00

Garland, a birthday hat, and a picture of her on the top of the shepherd's hook. And Also, PRINCESS balloons!

A birthday card from E and Mommy, and a princess bucket to hold down the princess balloons.

I lit her candle and sang happy birthday, but E was getting really impatient.

See?

So we brought the cake home.

I haven't eaten any yet. But I will :)

UPDATE: I ate some. It was white cake (which I knew), but it had RASPBERRY filling in the middle. YUM. It was a sweet little surprise.

Happy birthday, B. I wish you were here. I miss you more than words can say.

It Could Have Been Different

2010-11-10T23:31:00.000-07:00

Two years ago, I stopped at a little emergency room in New Mexico. I had been having weird, consistent gassy sort of cramps, and I was only 26 weeks pregnant. I had never felt a contraction before, and I just wanted to make sure the baby was okay.

It was a tiny hospital. The nurses immediately "diagnosed" me with Braxton Hicks contractions ("Oh honey, when you're in real labor, you'll know"). My abdomen was palpated, fetal heart tones checked. The doctor was called and she repeated those two things, diagnosed me with Braxton Hicks contractions as a result of the long drive, and recommended drinking more water and frequent breaks to get up and walk around. I wasn't checked for dilation, I wasn't put on a toco monitor, I wasn't given a non-stress test. I had no idea what any of those things were. I couldn't possibly be in labor.

But I was. I was in labor. Hours later I gave birth to a baby girl. I came *this close* to having her in the toilet. I thought I needed to poop, but when I started throwing up I decided I needed to go back to the hospital. I thought I had appendicitis or something. I had no idea. No idea.

It could have been different. If that first hospital had provided standard of care, if they had checked me for cervical change, if they had administered tocolytics and corticosteroids, I might be throwing an actual birthday party sometime later this month. I would be looking at Christmas dresses, and buying baby dolls, and doing all of the fun things that come with raising a girl.

They didn't. So on my daughter's birthday, I'll be at the cemetery. I'll bring her a balloon and some flowers, and E and I will eat some cake. I'll try my best to remember what it was like to hold her in my arms, even though I didn't get to do so until she was dying. I'll pray for faith that there is an afterlife, because if I can't believe that I will get to hold her again, I won't be able to go on.

It didn't have to be this way.

Displaced

2010-11-10T16:52:00.001-07:00

When I was pleading with M to try to save our marriage the day I found out about the affair, one of the things I said to him was that we'd been through so much together. No one else would ever understand what it had been like to lose B, and how that had changed us.

I was right.

No one will be celebrating B's birthday with E and I tomorrow. I didn't plan for a big production. I just thought my immediate family would remember, and be able to spare 30 minutes to come out to the cemetery, listen to a song and eat a piece of cake. That's it. Somehow, no one is available to do that. I just wrote a long whiny post enumerating the reasons why, but as I rambled on and on, I realized that I wasn't even upset about that.

What I'm upset about is that this day should matter to someone else just as much as it does to me. B had a mother and a father, who held her while she died. I should have someone to lean on, to support, to grieve with. I'm desperately looking for that in the people around me, and I'm not finding it. Because it's not anyone else's responsibility but his. I'm feeling disappointed in the people around me, but it's displaced anger. I'm not mad at them. This cross isn't theirs to bear. I wish they were a little more supportive and a little more intuitive about how I might be feeling, but they're all doing the best they know how to do. But he isn't. He left us, he left me to grieve alone.

Tomorrow also should have been our 3rd anniversary. When B, perfect little B, was born so unexpectedly on our first anniversary, I thought it was a sign that we were meant to be together. Cliche and corny, I know. But I did think that. I thought it meant that I had made the right decision to stay with him after the first time he cheated on me. I thought that it meant that God was blessing us with an extra special little baby (which of course he was) to raise together.

I never dreamed it would end like this. With a dead baby and a deadbeat dad.

So for today, I'm angry. But I'm going to try not to take it out on the people who won't be there to celebrate B's short life with me tomorrow. I'm going to try to direct the anger toward the person to whom it belongs.

On November 10th

2010-11-10T09:23:00.000-07:00

November 10, 2008. I was 25 weeks 6 days pregnant. I was heading across the country, looking forward to a new adventure. Moving for my husband's job. I remember filling out our rental application for our apartment a few days earlier - it asked if we anticipated having anyone else living with us in the next year. I proudly wrote, "Yes! Baby girl, due Feb 16, 2009!"

On November 10th, I didn't know what my daughter's name would be. I knew what her nickname would be, because I called her it in my head. But I wanted a "big" name that could be shortened. I was still thinking. But I had months. Ages.

On November 10th, I had no idea that the very next day, my life would change forever. That the essence of who I was, as a person, would change forever. That the world would change forever.

Please Help!

2010-11-01T16:43:00.000-07:00

I have a very dear friend named Juli. We have been friends since middle school, and she's been there for me through everything. She is now an amazing wife and mother to two kids under two! I don't know how she does it.

Juli's mom was recently diagnosed with breast cancer. She needs to undergo 5 rounds of chemotherapy before she can even have surgery and as I'm sure you can imagine, the bills are piling up.

Please head over to Juli's Etsy store. She is so creative and makes the cutest burp cloths, aprons, and car seat covers I've ever seen. All proceeds from her store are going directly to help pay for her mom's medical bills. I think what she's doing is so selfless - I can't imagine being a mom of two busy toddlers and wife to a grad student and still finding time to make all these things! This woman is amazing, you guys.

If you have a baby shower to go to or need Christmas gifts, please check out her store!! You can get some Christmas shopping done and contribute to an amazing cause.

That Time of Year

2010-10-31T20:51:00.000-07:00

It's that time of year again. Most people start getting excited for the holidays.. for Thanksgiving and Christmas and all of the wonderful things that come with it.

I was like that, once upon a time.

But now, the passing of Halloween just sends me into a downward spiral. I can feel it happening and I can't stop it.

My birthday. Oh, how I loathe it. It's coming up next week, and the past 5 years or so have brought awful things right around my birthday. I won't bore you by enumerating them; suffice it to say that I'm bracing for impact. Plus, I'll be 24, and that's getting pretty old to be a student, living with my mom, and being basically a loser. Blah.

B's birthday. Two days later, her angelversary. That brings such a mixed bag of loaded feelings, and I can't even describe it. Happy that I had her for the time I did, devastated that I lost her, feeling like whatever I do to commemorate isn't enough or is too much or is just not quite appropriate. She would be turning two this year.

Thanksgiving. I'm looking forward to this a little bit since E eats now, but other than that... meh. It stopped being a fun day when my parents split up (I was twelve) and this year my mom is giving me trouble about refusing to be in the same room as my sister. Last year she (the sister) ambushed me and I was not a happy camper about it. Yuck.

Christmas. It will be a little fun - I already have most of E's presents (yay for thrift store finds!) and I'm happy with the quality and quantity, so that's good. We're not doing a big tree, because E is Mr. Destructo so my mom obviously doesn't want to risk her ornaments and things. Plus it's dangerous for him. That's fine but feels a little bah-humbug-y. We'll have a small ceramic tree that my mom has had since I was a little girl, so that's good. And again with the awkward family situation. Just ick.

And New Year's. I totally thought I would be divorced and maybe even be dating by New Year's 2011, and neither of those events look like they're even remotely probable in the near future. So, 2010 fail. I did get 3 semesters of college done, which is good. Silver lining.

All in all, I'm a total Scrooge after Halloween, you guys. I know it's stupid and awful, and I'm doing my darndest to try to at least put on a happy face. I've started some new anti anxiety meds for the whole thing, so hopefully that will keep me a tiny bit sane. Please forgive me if my updates are sparse or morose.

Mother's Milkmate - Review and Giveaway!

2010-10-21T11:17:00.003-07:00

I was so excited to have a chance to review the Mother's Milk Mate rack and bottle storage system!

When I got it in the mail, I couldn't wait to try it out to see how it worked for me. I had somewhat of an organizational system with my refrigerated bottles of breast milk, but it was kind of hard for my mom and other caregivers to figure out. Sometimes the fresh bottles would get taken out first, which wasn't a huge deal, but still kind of annoying.

I immediately washed all the bottles in hot, soapy water (I was just giddy about how many there were - the less often I have to wash bottles, the happier I am!) and set them out to dry. I cleared out all my regular bottles and transferred all the milk into the Mother's Milk Mate bottles, put the lids on, and put the rack and bottles in the fridge. I used quite a few bottles, since the Mother's Milk Mate bottles are 4 oz (well, you can squeeze 5 oz in, but they're marked to 4) and my Gerber bottles are (marked to) 5 oz. The size difference wasn't a big deal to me - generally with breast milk, the smaller portions you keep it in the better. It tends to safeguard against waste. Besides, smaller bottles are easier for independent little baby hands to hold themselves.

Let me go back a little bit and talk about the lids. They have two pieces - one fits inside the bottle, preventing spills, and the other is a regular screw on cap. It works soooo well. You'd think with the bottles being sideways and all that there would be a leak from time to time, but I haven't ever had one. Plus, I feel like it kind of "seals" off the milk so it stays a little fresher in the fridge. I really, really like the design of the lids.

Once I had all my milk stored in the rack, it was so easy to just grab the front bottle and know it was the right one. The set does come with little stickers to label the milk with the date, but I didn't bother with them because since E only takes bottles I knew we'd go through all the milk before it spoiled. Those would be very useful if your baby is only taking a bottle every now and then, though! Especially because - and I'm telling you this from experience - your breast milk changes composition throughout the course of the day. You do not want to be feeding your baby morning milk at night. That's the equivalent of your little one downing a shot of espresso right before bed.. and I don't know about you, but that's pretty much my worst nightmare. So those little stickers? Don't only write the date on those. Write the time. Trust me. (And if you're saying - Hey! Then why didn't you label your milk with the time? It's because I put my milk in the fridge in the order that it was pumped, and cycle through it in that order. So I don't need to. Ha. But I learned that lesson the hard way.)

The bottle mouth is the standard size - I was able to use any and all of the standard nipple/ring sets I had on them. I didn't have a problem with that at all. I also pumped directly into the bottles a couple of times - they fit just fine on my Medela pump and on my Lansinoh pump. That's definitely a perk!

Overall, the Mother's Milk Mate system is very convenient. It can even be kept in the freezer, for you moms who just have a few bottles pumped for Dad or whoever to feed once in awhile so you can sleep or go out for a couple of hours every now and then.

The only things that I wish were different are the quantity of the bottles and lids. I'm a master at losing things, so more lids are always a plus in my book. They give you one extra, with that in mind, but for an exclusive pumper who's dragging bottles around everywhere... they just get lost. So I would have appreciated two or three extra. But not a big deal. The set comes with the perfect number of bottles to fill the rack (10), which is a lot of bottles, but I found myself wishing I had the Mother's Milkmate On-The-Go Pack. It's an extra 6 bottles, and that would have allowed me to have a few bottles in the sink and still have the rack pretty much full. As it was, with me constantly taking bottles out, I didn't have enough of the Milkmate bottles clean to keep the rack full. I may just have to purchase it!

Want one for yourself? You can purchase one of your very own here!

If you're feeling lucky though, I have one fabulous Mother's Milkmate storage system to give away!!

Mandatory Entry: Leave a comment telling me what your current milk organization system is like, or if you even have one!

Extra Entries:

- Follow my blog with Google Friend Connect

- Follow me on Twitter

- Tweet the giveaway: " Pump, store, & feed from the same bottle! Win a milk storage system from Mother's Milkmate & @HauteSingleMama! #bfcafe http://bit.ly/9mlYkw " (You can tweet twice a day, at least one hour apart)

Each worth one entry. Leave me a comment for each thing that you do! Don't forget your extra entries if you RSVP'd - leave comments for those too!

I was given a Mother's Milkmate milk storage system to keep. I was not compensated for this review. All opinions are honest and my own.

Images from www.mothersmilkmate.com

Wordless Wednesday

2010-10-20T10:58:00.000-07:00

McFatty Monday

2010-10-18T10:45:00.001-07:00

It's another McFatty Monday!

I don't know if I've gained, or lost, or what. I'm still too scared to weigh myself, and I'm still in my fat pants. So that's never good.

Here's the thing I've discovered about myself. I'm a stress eater. When I get depressed, I just stop eating (hence the "divorce diet"). But when I'm stressed? I'm like carbs carbs carbs sugar sugar sugar more more more!!! And since my life is basically extremely stressful right now, I need to tackle that. Like yesterday.

So here are my goals for this week:

1. Eat breakfast every day. I am not a morning person, so this is not as simple as it sounds. If I get E and I out the door on time and we're both dressed and our hair is done, that's a success. I hardly ever take the time to feed myself or do anything else in the morning. So I've made this goal probably ten times this semester and haven't done it once. But this week? I'm all about the breakfast.

2. Drink more water. I've been slurping down diet pepsi in an obscenely overzealous manner lately. I never used to drink soda - only if I was eating out - but this single mom/student with a baby who wakes up 3 times a night thing is killing me. So I need the caffeine. But I'm going to try to wean off of it a little and hopefully get energy by being more properly hydrated.

3. Wear jeans. This sounds dumb, but I tend to eat more when I wear stretchy pants. I really love stretchy loungy pants and luckily on my college campus I can get away with them. But when I wear jeans, it automatically reminds me that I want them to be getting looser and not tighter, so I tend to intuitively watch what I eat without having to over think it.

And I think that's about it, guys. Those seem like piddly goals, but I think a) they'll make a bigger difference than you think and b) that's all I can handle. Midterms are this week, so I'm not going to set the bar too high. I'm going nuts as it is.

Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day

2010-10-17T09:31:00.002-07:00

This day is so very near and dear to my heart. Through losing my two precious angels, I've come to know a community of the strongest women out there. Those who have lost a child through miscarriage, stillbirth, or infant death have known true heartbreak, yet they shine so brightly as examples of love, hope, and generosity.

On October 15th, I remembered my babies by first heading out to B's grave. I hadn't been for too long, and I wanted to decorate for Halloween. E and I swung by the dollar store to get supplies, and then went to see his sissy!

I lit my candles a little early, but quickly had to blow them out because E was all about getting over to them! Whoops! Didn't think that through...

I love this picture. So sweet.

E was an awesome helper. He especially loved throwing the flowers around. The ones that fell off? Courtesy

of E, lol!

I think it turned out pretty cute! You can't tell from the picture, but the garland on the shepherd's hook is very sparkly in the sunlight. It's black with little orange pumpkins!

We also took a little bit of time to visit the other babies that rest near B. I picked out her burial plot specifically because it was by other babies, so I always like to say hello when I go and think about them and their mommies.

B usually gets all the attention on my blog, because I have a tangible memorial of her (plus I got to hold her in my arms, and it's just different), but later that night I took some time to remember my other precious angel. It was my first pregnancy, and I was so excited and nervous. It took me a good week after I got my positive pregnancy test to get used to the idea that I was having a baby, and I only got to keep her one week after that before I miscarried at 6 weeks. The thing I remember most about that pregnancy was right off the bat I was so tired. I literally would sleep all day, wake up for 4 or 5 hours, and go back to bed. It was so weird. Anyway, I just knew she was a girl (and I was right with my subsequent two pregnancies, so I have no reason to think I was wrong!). I wanted to name her Aimi (I was taking Japanese classes at the time, and when written in kanji, it's written with the symbol for "love" and "beauty" - 愛美)

I lit my candles again at 7:00 for the Wave of Light. One for B, one for Mia.

I love and miss you, my angels. I can't wait to hold you again.

E's First Birthday

2010-10-16T21:18:00.001-07:00

Today, E is exactly one year old - adjusted!! It's 365 days from my due date. Never mind the fact that a year ago, he'd been born for two and a half months, survived NICU, flown on a plane, and moved across the United States already! Anyway, this is a great milestone for me. I feel like he's "officially" one, and I can feel comfortable giving him all the one-year-old foods and stuff.

So since I just now uploaded the pictures from my camera, you get to see what we did on E's actual, non-adjusted birthday!

I decided not to have a huge party for him. I know a lot of people do, and I kind of felt like a lazy/bad mom, but I'm so glad that I did it this way. There will be so many other birthdays where he'll want friends over, and it was so special to have this one be so intimate. It was just me, my mom, and my step dad - his primary caregivers. I don't think he would have done well at a party either - he's pretty easily overstimulated and he would have been miserable, I think. Anyway, the way we did it was perfect for us.

I ordered him this shirt and hat from Sprinkles of Love on Etsy. He looked sooo precious. It was totally worth what I spent for it!!! I loved working with her and definitely recommend her store. If I can I'll be ordering him a 2nd birthday outfit too!

I made him a chocolate cake shaped like a bunny. We lit the candle, sang "Happy Birthday," and then just put it in front of him and let him have at it. It was soooo cute!

I didn't have the foresight to take a picture of the cake with my actual camera before he dug into it (I had taken one with my phone).. .but there it is after he had demolished the bow tie a little bit. Cute, right? What's that? I should open a cake decorating business? I think so too.

After we got all cleaned up, we opened presents! E was more into eating the wrapping paper than tearing it.

Eventually (with some help from Mama) he got his first ever birthday present opened - it was a lion walker that converts to a ride-on toy. He loves it!

More present opening... He loooved that curling ribbon!

Playing with his walker! (My mom made me take his hat off. She thought the elastic looked uncomfortable, lol.)

He doesn't look particularly thrilled in any of the pictures because he had refused to nap at all that day. The poor kiddo was exhausted! Right after he played with his new toys for a bit, I took him upstairs for a bath and bed.

I have to reiterate that I loved how low key it was. It was so nice to have it be just us. It will be so fun to have big parties for him in the future, but for the very first birthday I loved having him (almost) all to myself!!

Happy adjusted first birthday, E! I wish I'd been able to carry you 40 weeks so this would be your actual birthday, but I'm so proud of how well you've done despite your early entrance into the world! You've grown by leaps and bounds and I can't wait to watch how you change over the next year!

I bought E's outfit from Sprinkles of Love on my own, and paid full price. She did not ask me to include her shop in my blog post - I really just loved her product so much that I wanted to give her a shout out. I was not compensated in any way, and this is my honest opinion.

More Milk Plus Winner!

2010-10-16T19:35:00.000-07:00

So I FINALLY picked the winner for the More Milk Plus giveaway! Yay! And the winner is....

Comment #28, which was Tara!!!! Yay!!!!! I'll be tweeting/emailing you shortly! Congrats!

Note to self: figure out how to get posts to be numbered so I don't have to count them. Ahem.

Some of you entered so many times and I wish I had more bottles of this to give away. It's such amazing stuff and I'm not even just saying that because I got to review it. It totally saved my supply when E was still way too small to be weaned - it's just awesome.

Mine and Nobody Else's

2010-10-08T19:49:00.000-07:00

I got an email from my attorney today.

M is offering to terminate his parental rights in exchange for no child support, no alimony, not paying for my attorney's fees, and marital debt divided equally.

So basically, he walks away scot free, and I'm left with 99% of the responsibility and no help.

The thought of never having to see him again is awesome. The idea that I will never, ever have to turn E over to him and be sick with worry the whole time? Better than I can say. In many ways, it's what I was hoping for.

Now that I'm staring it in the face, though, I'm having a little bit of trouble with it. First of all, I feel like I've been screwed over. When I got back together with M, I had just rehabilitated my credit from the havoc my last boyfriend had caused. I married M and our financial situation was not ideal, and that was compounded by my pregnancies. He also cheated me out of my goals. I never wanted to have children until I was finished with school, and he talked me into it after his sister got pregnant. He convinced me that it would be better and healthier for me to have children young, and to go back to school once they were in school. I gave in. I wouldn't trade any of my babies for anything, but I do wish I was in a position to be able to provide for E. The way I planned to be. I made so many decisions based on the fact that he promised to be there, and he's just left me high and dry. I just feel so taken advantage of... violated... used.

Secondly, my heart breaks for E. What am I going to tell him when he gets older? How am I going to explain that money was more important to his father than he was? M can't undo relinquishing his rights. Once it's done, it's done forever. And he's making the decision like it's nothing. He's legally disowning him. Saying I have no rights to this child, nor do I have any obligation to him. I just... I have no idea how someone could do that. No idea.

And lastly, the thought of being the sole person responsible for this little life terrifies me. I know that I've been doing that all along, but there was the hope of financial support, at least. I'll legally be the only person in the world responsible for this precious child. Tonight, that feels like a lot of weight to bear. What if I can't do it? What if I can't provide for him? I'm just terrified. I don't have parents who can financially save me. It's just so staggering to be the only one.

So, I'm not sure what to make of it. My attorney said to call him on Monday. There's not too much I can do until then.

Tonight, I'm just wishing that I had someone to lean on. Some semblance of stability and security in my life.

But I don't. I just have E. And that's really wonderful. He's going to be all mine. No one can take him from me, not even for visitation. I just need to focus on that.

Scary and Damaged

2010-10-05T21:01:00.001-07:00

Today, it has been exactly one year since I found out about M's affair.

That morning, I had been up every 3 hours with E (and I know it was every 3 hours, because he was still a preemie - 37 weeks - and I was setting an alarm to wake him to feed every 3 hours!). I thought M had to work at 5am (his schedule was very erratic) and he wasn't awake yet, so I decided to check his schedule on his BlackBerry. We were completely open with each other about our phones and passwords and things, so it wasn't weird or abnormal for me to do so.

I checked, and saw that he didn't work until noon or something, I can't remember. As I was exiting the calendar, I saw a new email account that I wasn't aware of. Not only was it new, it was in that transparent ghosty state, the kind that comes when you click "show hidden" - if you have a BlackBerry you know what I mean. I'm not sure if other phones do that. Anyway. I thought it was weird, but I wasn't too concerned - I thought maybe his regular email had gotten too filled with junk, or he wanted a "junk" account specifically for mandatory forms and stuff. Whatever. But I was curious, and I opened it.

There was one email. "Thank you for joining MySpace. Click here to activate your account..." Hmmm. He already had a MySpace, and he didn't use it much. I was starting to get suspicious, so I logged onto the new account. He had one friend - a girl. His profile picture was a picture of only his abs. His status was "I need to find a secret place...." Her status was "I wish I was with someone special..." and had that stupid mood smiley with the eyes that are hearts. Ugh. Those images are seared into my memory like it was yesterday.

I woke him up and said "Who is she?" For a minute he tried to act like he didn't know what I was talking about. I showed him his own MySpace page.

And then something in his face... I'll never forget that look. Kind of like... an angry... yet... defeated look. Like, "Well, the poop has hit the fan, so I'm just going to do whatever I want." It's extremely difficult to describe. But from the time he made that face, he turned into someone I no longer knew.

It was as if he didn't know me from Eve. My feelings no longer mattered, the past that we'd shared no longer mattered. The future we'd planned evaporated before my eyes.

I called my mom. Sobbing. "Mom, he did it again. Can I come home?"

I called his mom. "He did it again. I don't have anyone else to ask for help... can you come help me pack?"

He went to work. Like nothing was wrong.

I don't really remember the rest of that day. I called a friend and stayed the night at her house. She got up in the night with E so I could sleep. It was so sweet.

The next day I went back to our apartment. I asked M to speak with him privately, as his parents had already arrived. I begged him to work on this. I said that I knew that I had said I was going to leave, but we needed to try. For E. Please. Please. Please. He said no, he didn't think we'd ever get past it. I asked if I could at least go stay with his parents for awhile, four hours away. Try separating for awhile. See how it went. He said no, that's not going to work. You need to go home.

I asked one more time before I left. Again, the answer was no.

So, his parents took me to the airport. I took my baby on an airplane two weeks before his due date, during RSV season. It's a miracle he didn't get sick.

And that was that. It's already been a year. My baby is now a toddler, and I'm a year further in my education. Other than that, things haven't really changed. I'm not divorced. I live at home. I haven't been on a date.

But I'm a different person. I'm not the girl who woke up that morning, concerned about getting her beloved husband off to work. I don't even know her anymore.

I'm cynical and bitter. I'm independent and smart. I always doubt other people's intentions. I do things myself now - I don't wait for someone to save me. I've done more in the past year than I knew I could, and more than I ever thought I would have to.

And for E? It's totally worth it. All of it.

I didn't come out unscathed though. I'm afraid I'll always be this way. Scary. Damaged.

But who knows. In another year? I could be a completely different girl.

McFatty Monday

2010-09-20T12:42:00.000-07:00

So I've known about McFatty Monday over at Heir To Blair, but I wasn't really sure how to join in. There wasn't a button or a linky or anything on her site. So trusty rusty old Google lead me to Heidi at It's Just Me..Heidi-D and it turns out she has a button and a linky and everything, apparently authorized by Blair herself. And I really love buttons and linkys, so here we go.

So I've kind of told this story before, but I'll go over it again. Really fast. I've kind of struggled with weight my whole life - I was a chubby preteen once I hit puberty. I slimmed out as I got more involved in ballet dancing, and felt pretty good about my body while I was dancing. I quit dancing at 16 (stupid, stupid, stupid) and weight crept back on after that. I packed on the pounds after I got back together with M (depression from basically quitting my life to accommodate his), and then I exacerbated that by getting pregnant - not one, not two, but three times within 16 months! I got pregnant in April of '08, had an early miscarriage, got pregnant in June with B, carried her for 26 weeks, gained 12 lbs after losing her, got pregnant with E in February '09 and was a total whale by the time I had him at 29 weeks. I didn't have a lot of time to worry about weight loss while he was in NICU, but I lost some weight just due to breastfeeding and not really having time to eat a ton. Then when everything happened with M, I quickly went on what I called the "Divorce Diet" - I was never hungry, I literally had to force myself to eat, and I dropped 30 lbs without even trying. It was sweet.
Then, the shock started wearing off, and I went back to my old bad habits. I've been taking a pretty intense course load in school since summer semester, and I always feel like I concentrate better if I have a snack while I'm studying. This has lead to me gaining a little weight back, since I don't always reach for carrot sticks ;). I was doing really well at exercising for awhile, but my crazy class schedule in the summer derailed me from that, too.
I feel disgusting, so it's time for me to stop making excuses and get back on track. Also? At some point, my divorce will be final, and I'd kind of like to start dating after that time comes. And it's not going to happen while I'm feeling the way I do right now. Blech.
So this is me, recommitting. My basic plan right now is to restart the 30 Day Shred and choose to eat fruit and vegetables more often, and carbs less often (I eat WAY too much bread and sugar!). I'll check in each Monday to let you all know how the week went.
If I don't? Throw rocks. Please.

Seriously? Seriously.

2010-09-16T16:21:00.001-07:00

If you follow me on Twitter, you know that I'm having trouble with my pediatrician. At E's one year checkup, as she was getting closer to the diaper area, I started saying "E is uncircumcised. Everything I've read says that the foreskin should NOT be retracted until the child does it himself...." and I was cut off there, because that's when SHE RETRACTED HIS FORESKIN. I was speechless. She said "Yep! You're absolutely right, you don't need to be doing anything. His retracts pretty easily anyway, so he's fine."

What?! WHAT?!

Unfortunately, I'm not a very feisty person. I should have yelled at her to get her hands off of my son, and I probably would have had E shown any signs of discomfort. But he really didn't seem to notice at all... and I was really just stunned.

I got home and started asking on Twitter, and people were telling me to report the incident to the state licensing board. I did, and this is the response I recieved -

Ms. D:

I am an investigations supervisor with the Division of Occupational and Professional Licensing (DOPL). I have reviewed your complaint regarding Dr. S. While it is regrettable that Dr. S did not comply with you request (knowingly or unknowingly), the issue does not rise to a standard that would allow for a licensing action. DOPL must show that a licensee has engaged in "gross misconduct" in order to seek a licensing sanction. Also I spoke with our in-house medical person and they advised that to the best of their knowledge it is good practice to check the foreskin and in no way is it detrimental to the child. However your complaint is important to us and will be kept in our files.

Larry Gooch

Investigations Supervisor, DOPL

Okay, so it doesn't allow for licensing action. I don't want her to lose her license to practice medicine - she's a good doctor other than this.

But really? It may be good practice to "check" the foreskin, but retract it? It exposed the glans, although not ALL the way (I think - E's is the only uncircumcised penis I have experience with, and obviously I've never pulled the foreskin all the way back! I've never pulled on it at all....). I'm not sure what to think of this. Is this man wrong? Do I write him back and ask if by checking the foreskin he means to pull it back and expose the glans? Or do I just leave it alone and find a new doctor?

Sigh. I'm so glad it didn't hurt him. If it had, I would be so much more upset than I already am. I'm annoyed. But if she had hurt my baby?! I'd be out for blood.

One Year Ago Today... Part Deux

2010-09-16T13:23:00.001-07:00

One year ago today E came home from the NICU at last. I can't remember what we did that morning, but I remember they told us he should be ready to go by 2 or 3 pm... so I'm sure we just got ready and went to get him! It was so surreal, and as we were driving away I felt like I was stealing him ;). I really did. I have no words for how amazing it was, so I'll just show you the pictures instead.

Last time pulling up to the hospital...

Last time going up those weird things....

This is the lobby where I would eat and take my breaks from NICU...

LAST picture with leads on!!!

Changing into his going home outfit...

I'm back there changing him, the nurse is getting his discharge papers all ready..

E's going home outfit! We bought it the day I got my BFP!

So excited to have our family together.... Little did I know ;)

I insisted on sitting in the back seat. To make sure he didn't quit breathing. Naturally.

Finally at home!! We had the crib side-carred -look how teeny he was in it! Also note the thermometer and nasal aspirator IN THE CRIB. Because I was taking his temp every 3 hours, and you never know when you'll have an emergency and need the nasal aspirator now. ;) #paranoidNICUmom!

And today? A year later? His dad is no longer in the picture. But he and I are the most perfect family ever.

Today I took him to daycare while I went to school, and I didn't worry that he was going to die from germ exposure. I also took him with me to the store - again, I didn't think twice about it. I haven't taken his temp for weeks, and I don't periodically count his respirations anymore. I don't strip him down and watch for retractions, and I only sometimes worry that he'll stop breathing in his sleep. He's a big, strong, healthy boy.. and I'm a little less paranoid.

So blessed, I'm telling you.

One Year Ago Today...

2010-09-15T13:25:00.000-07:00

I took most of the day off of NICU. Which sounds really sad now - I can't imagine just "taking a day off" of E. Lol. But that's what we called it. Anyway, I took most of the day off of NICU. Why? Because E was scheduled to COME HOME the next day!!!! Home?! HOME?! I was freaking out.

You see, having lost a preemie in NICU, I never fully allowed myself to believe that I would walk out those hospital doors with a baby in my arms. I didn't set up a crib. M set up some things - the swing, etc. I did wash the 0-3 months size clothes and hang them up while I was pregnant, but I hadn't done anything in preparation for a baby since E had been born. I remember every week the NICU social worker would ask M if I had let him set up the crib yet. He'd say "Nope!" and smile at me, and I'd smile, embarrassed, and say "Maybe next week."

So a year ago today, we were scrambling around town. Buying bottles (I have to have Dr. Brown's, because they reduce colic and reflux! Lots of preemies have colic and reflux, I'd better start preventing it!), buying a thermometer (We'd better get this one that does rectal, axillary and oral. It's more like the one they have at the hospital...), a nasal aspirator (Should we get this battery operated one? He's been really snuffly lately, maybe the bulb one won't be powerful enough...), an Angel Care Monitor (HOW on God's beautiful green Earth am I supposed to be able to trust this child to keep BREATHING without an apnea monitor?!), and a bajillion other things that I can't even remember because I probably never actually needed them. We set up the crib that day - we had it "sidecarred" next to our king sized bed.

Setting up the crib itself was a really difficult experience for me. I was so happy that I was bringing my baby boy home. So happy. We had painted the crib a green color (with gold sparkles that we added), because he looked best wearing green. I hated when his NICU nurses dressed him in blue (especially blue hats!) because it gave his skin a bluish tinge and it made him look like a dead baby. And I saw him dead enough in my nightmares. But he looked beautiful and alive in green, so we chose everything green. We were setting up the crib (well mostly M was) and I just started crying. M asked me what was wrong and I told him that as happy as I was to bring E home... this was a green crib. A green crib. Where was the pink crib? The one we should have had for our preemie girl. All the days in NICU, I got to have with B. There were 2 with her, and 45 with E, but I still got NICU time with both of them. I got to pump breast milk for both of them. But from this moment, everything I did with E was something I never got to do with B. And that made it bittersweet.

I pulled myself together and we went and got Qdoba for dinner. I really don't like Qdoba (Chipotle is much better!!) but M liked it and it was close to our apartment.

After dinner we went to NICU, and saw E's primary nurse for the last time - she wasn't going to be there on his discharge date. It was so sad. But happy, too. I held him for awhile, and we breastfed that night. He did really well and I was pretty encouraged. We left at shift change to get one last night of sleep!

And today? A year later? I took E for his one year checkup. He weighed 21 lbs, 2 oz. He's 28 inches long. He's 16th percentile for weight and 7th percentile for height for his actual age. He's within the normal range (again, for his actual age!) for all his milestones. He doesn't qualify for Synagis this year. He's too healthy.

I look at him, and I can't believe this happy, wild, crawling-sorta-walking-getting-into-everything chubster is that preemie who I had no faith that I would walk out of the hospital with. Even with all the other not so great things that have happened this year... I have no idea how I got so blessed!

This was the night before we brought him home :)

Today at the doctor's office!!

Simple Wishes Winner!

2010-09-05T20:31:00.000-07:00

The winner of the Simple Wishes Pumping Bustier is Alyssa, @CrazyToddlerMom!!! Congratulations, Alyssa!!!

She was the 23rd comment, as picked by random.org:

More Milk Plus Special Blend

2010-09-05T20:20:00.001-07:00

You all know that I've had supply issues during my year of pumping for E. While he was in NICU, I was like a milk making machine, cranking out enough to feed (very hungry) twins or even triplets (with modest appetites). I loved it. But then everything went down with M, and my supply crashed instantaneously. I'm not even kidding you. I was pumping about 6 oz every 3 hours as my normal volume, and then at my next pumping session after I found out about his affair I didn't even get an ounce. It was that drastic, that immediate, and extremely terrifying.

The first thing I did was go to a local health food store and pick up some More Milk Plus. It saved my supply. I'm not exaggerating, you guys. I bought the regular formula, in the tincture, and after about the first 24 hours of taking it I notice a significant increase in volume (although it didn't go back to my "usual" that quickly). I was so relieved. I had been so terrified of not being able to provide my extremely vulnerable preemie (he was still only 37 weeks gestation at that time - not even to his due date!) with the breast milk he so desperately needed.

So having had this wonderful experience with one of Motherlove's products, I am so excited to be able to do a review and giveaway of their More Milk Plus Special Blend. The difference between it and the one I bought when my supply crashed is that it has goat's rue added, which is supposed to be fabulous for moms with PCOS and other issues that may cause low milk supply. I also chose to use the capsules instead of the tincture this time, for a change!

At the end of summer semester I found myself coming down with my usual post-semester cold. From past experience I knew that my supply would go down thanks to said illness, so I decided there was no better time to start taking More Milk Plus Special Blend! I took one capsule, 4x/day as directed on the bottle. And get this - even though my sniffles developed into a full fledged cold, my milk supply didn't dip. Not only did it not dip, it went up by about 4 ounces per day! While I was sick. I couldn't believe it.

Also, I found the capsules to be infinitely more convenient than the tincture. And the tincture doesn't exactly taste like chocolate, either, so it was nice to just be able to swallow a pill. The most difficult things about taking it are: 1) Remembering to take it four times a day, and 2) the fact that you're not supposed to drink water 15 min before or 15 min after. I'm a big water-sipper, so I found that particularly difficult. But as you can see, it still worked for me and I know that I didn't always restrict my water for that half hour, so it's not like if you accidentally screw it up you've just wasted a pill.

As a side note, there was another time where I was struggling with supply, so I trudged back to the health food store, intending to pick up some more More Milk Plus since it had served me so well previously. I saw another product right next to it with most of the same ingredients listed on the back, and it was a few dollars cheaper. I made the mistake of buying it instead, and it didn't do a darn thing. I'm not sure if it's the quality of the ingredients, or the proportions, or what, but Motherlove definitely knows what they're doing.

So... who wants to win a bottle of More Milk Plus Special Blend?!?! YOU?!?! I thought so!!!

Mandatory Entry: Leave me a comment telling me an experience you've had with low supply, worrying about low supply, or give a tip for increasing supply other than taking these fab supplements.

Extra Entries:

- Visit Motherlove's website and leave me a comment telling me which of their other products you would most like to try! They have a lot of great products other than just the supplements!

- "Like" Motherlove on Facebook

- Follow my blog on Google Friend Connect

- Follow me on Twitter

- Tweet this giveaway: "Increase your milk supply with More Milk Plus from Motherlove and @HauteSingleMama! #breastfeeding #giveaway http://bit.ly/agEPGT " (Once per day)

Each worth one entry! Leave me a comment for each, and don't forget to leave extra comments if you RSVP'd!

I was given a bottle of More Milk Plus Special Blend to keep. I was not compensated for this review. All opinions are honest and my own!

Image from www.motherlove.com

Simple Wishes Hands Free Pumping Bustier Review & Giveaway

2010-08-16T16:09:00.009-07:00

All I can say about the Simple Wishes Hands Free Pumping Bustier is this: how in the world did I not know about this sooner?!

I spent over 6 months exclusively pumping before I got my hands on the Simple Wishes bra. I thought I had a pretty good system going - I would always wear those camis with the shelf bra in them under my shirt, so I'd tuck the pump flanges into the shelf bra, and then if I hunched over just right they would stay in place enough that I could type on my computer. But if I needed to, say, grab something off my night stand, or pick up one of E's toys for him... forget it. I had to unhook or do that weird holding-the-pump-on-my-boobs-with-one-arm trick. And that inevitably leads to the pump straying off center... and that, um, hurts. Bad.

Enter Simple Wishes. When I first got it, I was so excited to try it! It took a few minutes to adjust it for me (I took out the center panel, and adjusted the velcro in the back), and it took awhile for me to figure out how to get the pump centered on my nipples. I was used to being able to really see what I was doing, so it took a few tries. By the time I got it figured out, I was kind of like "Seriously? Seriously. I'm not sure if this whole hands-free thing is worth it if it takes me 20 minutes to hook up!" But being able to freely type, text, and grab whatever I needed without anything budging out of place was glorious. Really.

So I tried the pumping bra again the next day. It took a little less time to put on. And oh how I loved the convenience of it, once it was on. After a few more times using it, it really added no extra time to my usual pumping set up. And now, I use it literally at every pump. I start panicking if I can't find it (don't ask me how it gets lost. I'm like a wizard at losing things). Like, how am I supposed to pump without it?! As if it's my bottles or tubing or something. But really, since E has become mobile, it has become instrumental to my pumping success. It's so much easier to sit down to pump when I know that if I need to hand E a toy that's out of his reach or help him stand back up when he falls down, I'm not going to have to stop pumping to do it.

The things that I loved about this bra are as follows:

It's adjustable: I love how adjustable it is. My boobs have definitely changed sizes since I first began pumping, and the vast range of sizes that the Simple Wishes bra is able to accommodate ensures that it will fit for as long as you're pumping (and will last through another baby, even!). I love that.

It works: It holds those flanges where they're supposed to be. I can't stress enough how important that is. The "Four Way Layering Support" really does its job.

It's pretty!: I love the soft pink color. And it's sooooo soft.

The only thing that I was disappointed about was that it's pretty impractical to wear under your clothes all day. It's just a little too bulky for that, and there's, you know, that hole where you put the pump ;). Because I'm all crazy and occasionally pump while commuting, I was hoping that it would help me with that. Like I would be able to just lift up my shirt, hook up the pump and go, you know? As it is, I put it on and take it off every time I pump, and I wish it was more conducive to being worn as a normal bra.

Overall, it's a great product, and it's helped me to become as happy as this woman in the picture, even while exclusively pumping...

Are you a pumping mom? Are you pregnant and are hoping to be a pumping mom? Have a baby shower to go to and need a gift? Buy a Simple Wishes hands free pumping bustier and get 15% off by entering the code "haute" (without the quotes) at checkout!

Or... Simple Wishes has generously agreed to sponsor a giveaway of one of these wonderful bras to one of my readers!!!!

Mandatory entry: Comment below, telling me how pumping hands free would reduce your stress (or anything else you like about the product)!

Extra Entries
-Follow my blog with Google Connect

-"Like" Simple Wishes' Facebook Page

-Follow Simple Wishes on Twitter

-Tweet about this giveaway (one tweet, one entry per day.)

"Play w/ baby while pumping! Win a Hands Free Pumping Bustier by @SimpleWishes_ from @HauteSingleMama! #breastfeeding http://bit.ly/crsdt4"

Leave a separate comment for each thing, please! Oh, and please make sure at least one of your comments has a way to contact you - email or twitter name is awesome. Thanks!

Also - don't forget your extra entries if you RSVP'd! Leave a comment for each of those, too!

This giveaway will end Thursday, 8/26 at midnight EST. Winner will be chosen via random.org! Good luck!

I was given a Hands Free Pumping Bustier to keep. I was not compensated for this review. All opinions are honest and my own!

Wits' End

2010-08-09T11:55:00.000-07:00

I posted on Twitter about this, but it's just way too much for 140 characters. I would spam up everyone's timeline with my whining. ;)

This morning I am totally at my wits' end with everything. E was up 3 or 4 times last night, for no apparent reason. I tried cosleeping with him in my twin bed - yeah... doesn't work now that he's HUGE. So, this morning I'm totally exhausted, but I'm trying to get back into a sort of groove since school starts again in two weeks. I figured I'd let E play for a little bit and he'd go back down for a nap (he normally gets up at 7 after sleeping through the night and naps at 9:30, so since he was up a few times in the night and up for the morning at 6:30, I was anticipating a really good nap).

He finally got tired and I snuggled him and fed him a bottle. He was asleep, and I went to put him in his crib so I could start my day. I totally tripped on one of his stupid toys (that I usually clean up before we do naptime, but he was really whiny so I skipped it this one time in favor of the bottle) and it totally jarred him awake. I put him in his crib anyway, gave him his giraffe and his blanket, turned the music on, and went to the bathroom, hoping he'd have fallen asleep by the time I was done. Nope! He was crawling around in his crib, hitting his head on everything possible, and awake as can be. Great.

This is when I posted on Twitter. It doesn't seem like such a huge deal - so he skipped a nap. Move on. But I'm trying to get into the habit of working out regularly again, and I just don't know when to do it. I used to be able to put him in his swing or jumperoo, but now that he's mobile I have no idea what to do with him. We have very limited space - I have one bedroom of a 1500 or so square foot, 3 bedroom condo. Yeah. He can't crawl around in any of the other rooms, because my mom's house is and always has been clutter city, so my room is the only "safe" place that he can go around and not have a really close eye on him. My room houses a daybed, a dresser, a nightstand, a crib, and a jumperoo, so floor space is limited. If I let him crawl around, he'd be under my feet the whole time. I've asked my mom if I can help her move some of her boxes out of the hallway, so I could close off all the other doors (except mine) and he can play there, but she always says she "needs to go through them" and of course, never does. So my only option is to try to do it while he's napping, praying the whole time that the noise of me working out doesn't wake him up. Which is stressful enough, so when he didn't nap in the first place, it just threw me into a total funk.

The problem with the house is not a gigantic problem. It's not filthy, it's just cluttered because my mom downsized from a larger house, and doesn't know how to purge things. Somehow she doesn't get that if it's been sitting in a box for two years, you probably don't need whatever is in it. Especially when you're not even sure what's in it. I'm sure she's overwhelmed with it, because that's her personality. She can't just say "Okay, today I'm going to do this one box." She looks at the entire thing as a whole, gets overwhelmed, and doesn't even start. I can't do it for her, because it's not my stuff. If it were up to me, I'd load all those boxes in my car and have them dropped off at Salvation Army or something. But it's very frustrating to me - and trust me, I'm far from a clean freak - because it makes it so I have to either be cooped up in my room, or worry that E is going to get into something that could hurt him.

The next thing (sort of unrelated, but stressing to me) is that my mom decided she's going to go on this diet. That's great, because she really does have some lifestyle changes that need to be made (just like I do!). But the way she's doing it is totally, totally unsustainable. She's doing Body for Life, if you're familiar with it, but instead of learning to make actual meals using the guidelines in the book, she thinks she's just going to eat one protein, one carb, and one vegetable from her list for 6 meals a day until she loses the weight, plus some outrageously expensive protein shakes. And by that I mean she eats plain cottage cheese, unseasoned boiled chicken breast... you get the idea. It's completely unsustainable, especially for someone who actually enjoys food. So I know this is totally her business, but the way it involves me is that now, since she can't eat what she regularly makes for family dinners, she's just going to stop making them altogether. Fine, but she has a husband and a son who she has taught to be totally reliant on her cooking. And when she doesn't cook? They look to me. I absolutely despise that neither of them ever pick up the slack and make a simple pot of spaghetti, sandwiches, anything, but I can't change that. And let's face it, I want to eat too. So now, the burden of cooking rests on me. I could handle that. I cooked for M for 3 years, and for myself for 2 years before that after I left home. The thing is, everyone in this house is so freaking picky. My mom won't eat anything that isn't standard meat-and-potatoes fare (think meatloaf and mashed potatoes, breaded chicken and mashed potatoes, breaded chicken and rice-a-roni, etc.). Her husband... well, I don't really know what it is he likes, but during fall semester I was cooking a lot and he liked very little of what I made. I didn't realize it until he started telling my mom how fettucine alfredo is so bland the night after I made it, while I was sitting right there on the couch with them. I stopped cooking after that. Lazy, unappreciative men can eat cold cereal, for all I care. I do feel bad for my little brother, though, who, although he takes after his father and step father by not helping one bit, is not too picky and actually likes most of what I make. And again, I don't want to eat cold cereal every night! So I know that whole paragraph totally didn't go anywhere, but the point is, I'm frustrated and stressed about the whole situation.

I'm also frustrated about the general cleanliness of the downstairs area. It would be so easy to do if everyone just did a little bit every day, but my step dad and brother (who are home all day, every day, and are in front of the television and computer screens, respectively) won't do anything without specifically being told. My mom thinks that they're old enough (50 and 15) to not have to be told, so she doesn't, and she doesn't do it herself (which I don't blame her for, she works 10 hour days! Who wants to come home and clean after that?) so it just doesn't get done. I still feel a little uncomfortable doing it, because I feel like it's going to be more offensive than helpful since it's not my house - does that make sense? I of course clean up after myself, and do the dishes, and things like that, but I'm talking about mopping the floors, vacuuming, stuff like that. I approached her about making a chore chart, so we can all be responsible for something and not step on each other's toes, but she didn't really seem that into it. So I either live with it, or do it all myself. And yeah, I would be doing it all myself if I lived in my own apartment, but it just feels different because it's not my house.

Sigh. I don't know. None of this really bothered me before E was mobile - it wasn't a big deal to be cooped up in our room. But now it is, and I don't know what to do! I guess I just suck it up, and do it all myself. Cook, clean, take care of the baby, for a family of 5. Plus school, plus hospice volunteering, and dealing with M/the divorce/everything else emotionally.

I seriously hope this gets easier.

No Go BlogHer Questions!

2010-08-03T21:41:00.000-07:00

I'm still a blogging newbie, so I'm obviously not going to BlogHer. Actually, I just recently figured out what it was in the first place. And now that I know, I'm oh so very jealous of all of those wonderful bloggers who get to go and meet all the other wonderful bloggers *gasp* in real life! I can't even fathom it.

So here I sit, behind my computer screen still, and I'm psyched to be participating in the No-Go BlogHer Blog Hop! So here are my answers to the questions:

When did you start blogging?

I believe I started Haute Single Mama in October of 2009. I had a couple of blogs before that that I didn't really keep up on, and they fizzled out. This one was the lucky one that stuck, though!

Why did you start blogging?

Definitely as an outlet for myself. I haven't written in an actual diary since I was 14 (long story) and I knew it would really help me to sort out everything I have been through to write about it. Plus, @KatiesPickles kept bugging me to start one.

What is one thing you are going to do this week that is WAY cooler than going to BlogHer?

I already did something awesome this week that was WAY cooler than BlogHer - I celebrated E's first birthday! I don't have the pics uploaded yet, but I will soon. I promise.

Share a post that you think says a lot about you or is your favorite. (share the link in YOUR post so we all can see)

This is lame, because this was my last post before this one, but I love the post where I put my year of exclusively pumping breast milk into quantifiable terms. I think it says a lot about me, just because I am so totally impressed with myself for actually making it to a year. There were so many days that I didn't think that I would, and my mind is still basically blown that I did. Seriously, this is just one of the many, many things that I'm doing that if you had asked me a year ago, I would have said "I could never do that!" As difficult as the past couple of years have been, I am so much stronger for it. And pumping is a prime example of that.

How Do You Measure A Year (Of Exclusively Pumping)?

2010-08-02T13:04:00.001-07:00

365: Number of days I've been pumping.
5.5: Average number of pumping sessions per day
2,007: Approximate number of pumping sessions, total
40,150: Minutes spent pumping
669: Time spent pumping in hours
27.8: Time spent pumping in days
15,330: Approximate number of ounces pumped
18.5: Pounds E has gained since birth
56: Pounds I have lost since E's birth
1,800: Dollars not spent on formula
650: Dollars spent on pumping supplies
119.7: Approximate volume pumped in gallons

**How I got these numbers:
1. Duh
2. 8 sessions per day at the beginning, down to 3 sessions now. Averaged those two numbers.
3. 5.5x365
4. (previous) x 20 minutes
5. (previous) /60
6. (previous) /24
7. Output has ranged from 60 oz/day to 24 oz/day. Averaged those, x 365.
8. Fact
9. Fact
10. Googled ;)
11. Lansinoh pump, Lansinoh bags (approximate amount bought), breast pads, all of the breastfeeding supplements I've taken (including Domperidone and Reglan). I didn't include bottles because I didn't include them in the cost of formula feeding, just the cost of the formula itself.
12. Added this as an afterthought because my mom asked ;) Used a converter I googled to convert oz to gallons! Wow!

Breast is Best Giveaway Event!!!

2010-08-01T13:28:00.002-07:00

So, to kick of World Breastfeeding Week, and in celebration of E's first birthday tomorrow, I'm announcing my Breast is Best (even in a bottle) giveaway event!!!

This is my first giveaway event ever, and I'm so excited that I get to give away some of the products that have been truly instrumental in my success at pumping for E for a whole year! And I know you guys are super excited to WIN some of this awesome stuff!

To RSVP and win extra entries, comment on this post and tell me what your secret to success is! What helped (or is going to help) you to be a successful breastfeeding mom, however long you chose to continue? A day, a month, a year - breast is best for our babies! You have to do this for the following to count when I start rolling out the giveaways:

For 2 additional entries in EVERY giveaway, follow Haute Single Mama publicly with Google Friend Connect.

For 3 additional entries in EVERY giveaway, put my event banner on your sidebar!

This is going to be so much fun - I have LOTS of breastfeeding swag for all my fellow lactating mamas!

UPDATE: I thought you guys might like a list of sponsors. Yeah, I'm new at this whole giveaway thing.

Some of my AWESOME sponsors include:
Lansinoh
Motherlove
TeefersTreats
Simple Wishes
Simplisse
Earth Mama Angel Baby
Milkies
PumpEase
....... And more!

If you have a product you would like to include in my giveaway, I'd love to hear from you! Email me at suddenlysinglemom09@gmail.com or tweet me!

World Breastfeeding Week

2010-07-31T20:57:00.003-07:00

I didn't know this last year, but World Breastfeeding Week is August 1-7! I think it's great that breastfeeding has its own week to be celebrated and to raise awareness about the benefits of breast milk.

Most of you know that I exclusively pump breast milk for E. I would have loved to actually nurse him, but we just didn't get it going after all the bottles in the NICU (and I didn't know how to say NO! to bottles in the hospital!). As disappointed as I still am about that, I'm proud to say that on August 2nd, I'll have been pumping for him for one whole year!!

The reasons I committed to this are many; but the most important one is that breast milk is best for E. Period. I was bound and determined to try everything, and this is what has worked for us.

As if you need convincing, this is a favorite article of mine. It's called A Preemie Needs His Mother, and it explains not only the benefits of breast milk for preemies, but the challenges involved with providing it for them.

One of my favorite passages in the article is this: "Even if a third of a 2.2 pound (1 kilo) preemie's diet is breast milk, he will leave the hospital, on the average, 15 days earlier and far healthier than the exclusively formula fed baby."

Pumping every 3 hours vs. an extra 15 days in NICU? Pass the pump, please! (E went home from NICU after 45 days. That's pretty dang good for a 29 weeker. He was 35 weeks 5 days gestation when we brought him home!)

This is the first time E was fed my breast milk (or anything else
for that matter!) I think he was 3 or 4 days old, and he was
fed 3cc's!

One of our first breastfeeding attempts :)

Body After Baby Project

2010-07-26T09:18:00.000-07:00

So I committed to start the Body After Baby Project with @karmapearl over at Hope Springs Eternal. FOUR weeks ago. Since then, I haven't done a dang thing about it. I'm giving myself a break since I really, legitimately was swamped with school work. But now, in the 4 weeks of summer that I have, I'm going to go all out.

I'm always, always, saying this, but this time I'm doing a REAL 30 Day Shred. No days off, no "Oh, E was fussy today..." Nope. Not playing that game anymore. If I have to do it at 6 pm when my mom gets home from work so she can watch E, that's what will happen. If I have to do it in my little brother's room while E naps, I'll do that too. No excuses.

I did way too much stress eating over summer semester. I'm pretty sure I've gained some weight back. I'm too scared to weigh myself, so I'm not sure ;). But I feel gross. And I do not want to feel like this. Ew.

So it starts today! Body After Baby: Summer Edition!

Divorce Orientation

2010-07-21T21:02:00.000-07:00

In my state, if you have a child/children under the age of 18 and are planning to or have file(d) divorce, you have to take two classes. Since I fall into that category, I needed to complete them in order to facilitate a speedy process once M gets served.

I did that tonight. It was horrid timing (night before both of my summer anatomy finals!) but they only offer it once a month, so I didn't really have a choice. I dutifully attended for three hours.

What did I get from it? Well, since two hours of the class was dedicated to helping children get through the divorce... not a whole lot. E only knew M and I at home together for 2 weeks, so he doesn't recognize the absence of a father in his life (yet). And even when he does, it won't be the same as children who have known a cohesive family unit suddenly being subjected to visitation and things. The information was good, and reflected a lot of what I remember feeling when my own parents got divorced - it was just not applicable to our situation.

The other portion of the class was about the legal process of the divorce and divorce alternatives. Honestly? I think that this portion should be required before you can get a marriage license. Yes, I really just said that.

The part about the divorce process was blah (if you're in the class, you basically know that already), but the part about alternatives to divorce was amazing information.

It gave the obligatory marriage statistics - 50% of first marriages end in divorce, and subsequent marriages come with an even higher divorce rate. Everyone basically knows that.

What no one tells you though, is that there are normal phases of marriage. At least, no one ever told me. I'm recapping, so I may not have it 100% correct, but what I took away from it was this:

Honeymoon period: The highest point your marriage will ever have. Ever! It seems obvious, but I never thought of it that way.

Reality: After the honeymoon period, you're like Oh crap, what did I do?! You're realizing how different your upbringing was, how many things you disagree on that you never thought to worry about when you were dating, and how annoying it is that your spouse says "supposably" instead of "supposedly" (is he illiterate?! If you can't spell it, you shouldn't be allowed to say it!) You're thinking you may have made a major mistake. NO ONE TELLS YOU that this is NORMAL! I remember feeling exactly like that. I was watching The Bachelorette and all the hot guys, and I remember just CRYING. And M was like, "What's wrong?" I totally blubbered "I miss datingggggggg!! Don't you?!" He was very reassuring, as he always was (until he kicked me out), and said "No, honey, I love being married to you." And then I felt guilty.

Things get better: You get into a groove, whatever. Things aren't as good as the honeymoon period, but you're adjusting.

Back in crisis: You have a baby. You get a mortgage. Life happens, something changes the status quo and suddenly you're out of your comfort zone again. You may seriously consider divorce. A lot of people do divorce at that time. But.....

You stick it out: and things get better. You adjust to the baby, the new bills, the new normal. If you didn't divorce, you're glad that you didn't.

And the class went on to say that this cycle generally happens several times over the course of a successful marriage!!! Again with teenagers (you're so busy, etc.), empty nesting, midlife crisis, basically any life changes can throw you back into crisis. And you can get through it.

No one tells you that though, so you think Oh Em Gee, my marriage has gone to crap. I'm not happy. I deserve to be happy! And you bail, a lot of times too early.

In the class, we were told that there were a couple (few?) studies done on people's satisfaction with their divorce. About 1/3 of people said they were happy with their decision. 2/3 said they either had some regret or totally regretted not trying harder. WOW.

I keep telling myself M was a jerk from the beginning, but part of me wonders if he had known this, would things have been different? The main reason he gave me for not wanting to try to work things out was that he felt no spark between us anymore. If someone had told us that feeling was normal, that it would pass, that it happens in almost every relationship.... would he have gone looking for greener pastures?

Obviously not all marriages/divorces fall into that cycle. There really are things that can't be worked out. For the most part, I believe that infidelity is one of those things, so I'm trying not to spend too much time dwelling on what could have been. But I just had to run home and write this blog post (even though I should be studying for finals!) because I'm frankly astounded that marriage wasn't explained to me in cyclical terms before now.

The End.

Clinicals

2010-06-29T09:04:00.001-07:00

I had my first day of clinicals on Saturday. I was really scared, because... well, it was my first time. I wasn't sure what to expect.

As it turned out, it wasn't so bad after all. I worked a 12 hour shift, which was daunting, but it went by really quickly. I started to drag around 1400 (haha) but that happens to me normally anyway. I got my second wind later and went home, ate dinner, played with E... the point being, I didn't just go home and pass out, which I fully expected.

The aide we were shadowing had 8 patients to take care of. Two of those patients were on hospice, comfort care only. I don't want to say too much for fear of violating HIPAA, but they really made an impact on me.

There was one male and one female, both elderly (although the woman seemed much older than the man... I didn't see their charts, though, so I don't know their actual ages.) I was told that both were suffering from late stage cancer.

The man was basically unresponsive. We (myself and the other student I was with) were instructed to obtain a blood pressure for him, and we were unable to do it. I was seriously about to go home at that point, because I was convinced I was totally incompetent. Neither of us could hear a thing. We ashamedly told the aide we were shadowing that we hadn't succeeded, and she kind of rolled her eyes and came in to do it herself.

Turns out, she couldn't get one, either.

She brought in someone else. He couldn't get a pressure. He was still breathing, and had good heart tones, so he wasn't dead. Yet.

They brought in an electric thing and that was able to get something, although I wasn't told what the reading ended up being. His skin was cool and clammy, and his breathing was erratic. He was expected to slip away at any moment.

No one was there with him. I know he had friends, or family, because there were lots of treats that people had brought in for him. I guess he had just been up and walking (not well, but still) the day before. And now, he was dying.

Everyone expected him to pass before my shift ended, and I volunteered to assist with postmortem care when the time came.

Except, he didn't. He was still breathing when I left for the day.

I'm not sure what happened to him. He has probably already passed, but I hope he was hanging on until his friends and family could get there. I hope that they made it in time.

Woah Yo!

2010-06-28T21:43:00.000-07:00

I haven't posted for everrrrr. If you follow me on Twitter you know that I'm alive, just insanely busy right now! I'm taking 9 credit hours in the summer (CNA and Human Anatomy) and it's crazy!

And everyone I say that to has a story... "My friend's cousin's husband's boyfriend (ha!) took 3478923472834 credits during the summer, and got a 4.0! You can do it!"

I just smile and nod, but seriously. It's crazy hard. I'm normally an A-student all. of. the. time. if I put even half of my effort into it, and I'm putting a LOT of effort into these classes and pulling A-'s or B+'s.

I'm not sure if it's the fast pace of the classes (definitely possible), the different type of material (I was an econ/poli sci major before), or being a mommy, but this semester is killing me. I'm finally halfway through... just 4 more weeks. Four more weeks. I can do it.... right?! lol.

Makeover Monday - Bronze Eyeshadow

2010-05-24T00:00:00.003-07:00

I haven't done a Makeover Monday since back in December when I chopped off all my hair. I have no idea why.

Today's MM is going to feature one of my stand by makeup looks - bronze eyeshadow.

This look is really easy, and you can't really mess it up, which is why I love it so much. The eyeshadow I use is Clinique Colour Surge Eyeshadow Super Shimmer in Strike It Rich.

Using that little sponge-y brush thing that comes with the eyeshadow, I just sweep it on up to the crease and extend it outward almost past the outer corners of the eye. That's seriously it. Done with that. I blend it a little (with my finger or a random brush), and then use a highlighter on my brow bones/inner corners (I'll give you my recommendation for that in another MM post!) I like to use a fairly shimmery highlighter though, because if you use one that's way more matte than the bronze it just looks weird.

I obviously finished up with a pencil eyeliner, just in black, and mascara. Sometimes for a more dramatic look (like for night) I'll put some of the bronze on my lower lid as well, and use a thick liquid eyeliner extending past the outer corners of the eyes. It reminds me of Cleopatra or something - it's also a fun look. But wayyy too much for daytime.

**If you ever try any of my Makeover Monday looks, leave me a picture or a link in the comments!